When words don't matter

Holding on;

2012-02-22T22:16:00.000+08:00

Blogger's been acting funny on my com these days so just a short update tonight.

Recess week starts in 2 days' time and I'm not looking forward. Gonna be a week packed with projects and more projects. It's fine actually, i'm just dreading the inefficiency, which is bound to happen somewhere, somehow. On the bright side, looking fwd to plans with some of the closer gfs. :) at least 6 meetups ahead for the week. Glad that everyone's trying to meetup, so I can spend some muchly appreciated quality time.

And that will be my motivation to allocate my time well. Keep on track and then it's play hard, eat well time! :)

****
My unqualified second guesses as a result of your unnecessary silence.

Accolade;

2012-02-20T22:43:00.003+08:00

Updated: Been awhile since I felt so deeply happy. My stars are so well-aligned tonight, it's unbelievable. Last night, I had this sudden want to catch up with a friend (a different one from the one mentioned below) through fb msg but didn't cause I worked late into the night. And of all coincidence, I woke up to a text from him. Then I reminded myself that I must send the fb msg, but procrastinated again cause I headed off to school. And just now, he talked to me on fb chat. It's been a while since we caught up, in fact this is the first proper one since he left. It's crazy thinking about the odds of us wanting to talk at the same time haha. But it sure is a nice feeling having that conversation :)

I really like it when people make the effort to talk to you, more so when you're not that close and they're not trying to gain smth out of you. I guess I'm sold very easily. Have a decent conversation with me and I'll readily believe in you. See, you really can make someone's day (or my night, for that matter) even when you least expect too. :*) The thing about exchange is, you really can tell who are the ones who genuinely wanna keep in touch with you.

****

Just received a text and so heartwarmingly happy. :*)

Not the closest of friends, but really one of the nicest from sch since day 1. No pretense, no motives. And so, it's so so nice to receive that congratulatory msg and know that this is one friend who's genuinely happy for me.

When I attended the ministerial forum by our education minister a few weeks back, someone mentioned that the bellcurve system only seeks to discourage co-operation, cause the only way to be at the top is to ensure that everyone else is beneath you. Evidently, it all comes down to one's nature. Thankful for those who have willingly shared your resources and knowledge with me. It is with this kindness that we can all forge ahead together and continue to spread this postivity arnd.

Lastly, my bit of motivation is back. From now on, I'll believe that efforts really will be rewarded. Though not always duly rewarded in the most tangible sense, but mental persistance in the process is v v valuable. Take my words on that, and keep going even when the tough gets going. :)

(from this post, seems like last sem has been a really rewarding semester. Most unassuming friends ever.)

My treasure trove;

2012-02-20T02:14:00.001+08:00

The only person who can help you, is really yourself. Hold on to your sky high expectations, but be prepared for the deep plunge too. And when it happened, were you not expecting it to hurt? Some things come and go in the same way. Just think back on how it all started.

♥ ♥ ♥

Friendships that grow on trust in me, gain my most faithful loyalty.
For the first time, I'm experiencing something I haven't quite did.

In a community where we're so highly inter-connected, I finally found someone whom I can share my thoughts with without inhibitions. And it's mutual.
For once, I can speak. I can pour out what's on my mind and in my heart, I can name names. It's a liberating break from all these anonymous prose on my blog, cause now, there's a voice and a listening ear. It feels more real that I'm less alone in my thoughts and I don't feel so at fault for thinking the way I do. It also becomes much easier to let go of all the pent-up feelings after talking it out.

Nv would have expected you to be so open and willing to share but I thank you for the trust, and for proving to me once again that, I am right in my opinion of you. I don't know if you still read my blog, but in case you do, yes we'll meet up "at bugis or smth for dinner" once we find time. :*)

♥ ♥ ♥

OCD;

buying ziplocks in packets of hundred because everything must be kept separately;

all the rings & bracelets & earrings & necklaces & ribbons,

and then hidden inside the cupboard so no dust and no oxidation.

♥ ♥ ♥

Most days I'm good,
some days I miss us.
I'm no stone-heart.

Lost interest;

2012-02-18T19:01:00.000+08:00

For a long time, I felt like I existed in a sort of parallel universe, waiting for him to come back.

It's possible you know, to actually get sick of someone. I mean, of course it's possible. If not, why else do couples alws have to 'keep that flame alive' and let the r/s stay fresh? Because r/s do go stale.
It happens when someone stops trying or when you simply try too hard.

We're the latter.

The problem with trying too hard is, you end up overglorifying the r/s. It's not perfect, but you'll just make it out to be. We jump at all little signs of joy, thinking we've forged the strongest of bond. (I obviously have a lot to learn about moderating my feelings.) Over time, the r/s becomes susceptible. Every little deviation will threaten to bring it down, because the r/s can no longer tolerate any bit of imperfection.

And after all these while, truth is, we've never been able to connect at that level. Being too different can be a curse too sometimes. It just makes any form of similarities between us seem like a mere coincidence, more than anything.

I hate to think this way, but are we just loving the feeling of love and to be loved?

Don't even feel like putting in any bit of extra effort for you anymore.

****

17 February 2012 (Friday):

2 midterm papers down.

Broke the curfew for yh's birthday celebrations. Karaoke-ed the night away from 11-2am. :)
Had a nice catch up with yilina, at this quiet little spot.

Only one proper photo that night, cause everywhere else just had poor lighting.

One more in the toilet!

Some of those guys can really sing! Pleasure.

And it was a lovely way of celebrating tgt, in a way different from the usual.

****

A lot on my mind lately.

Trying to frame my thoughts to fit the convention.

I really want to see the good in people,

but sometimes, wanting might not be a strong enough impetus.

One love;

2012-02-15T22:16:00.000+08:00

“When faced with two choices, simply toss a coin.
Not because it settles the question for you,
but because in that brief moment when the coin is in the air,

you suddenly know what you are hoping for.”

Spun right through my soul.

****

14 February 2012 (Tuesday):

Valentine's day;
I wish you a pretty heart.

Have you ever wondered:

why is it that in our endless chase for perfection,

we end up being hopelessly in love with that undeserving one?

Friends keep mum, but their silent disapproval flashes starkly across their frowns.

Your rational mind says: 'No, he's not the one.',

And day after day, you try to convince yourself that he is simply, flawed.

They say, speak a lie a thousand times and it'll become the truth.

But it's never that easy.

Because no matter how hard you try, someone is bound to mention his name.

And the very moment that one word resonates in your ear,

all will to fight just falls flat; down the drain, just like that.

No other way to say this;

2012-02-14T21:26:00.000+08:00

Not liking this feeling a single bit.

Really not the best at handling relationships on some days, esp when there are third parties involved. Supposedly a day of love but I feel like I've struck a double negative on this single day. I just hope you will understand these two things:

1. Whatever misgivings that existed between you two, I don't want to be a part of it. :( I've been treated kindly and all I want is to reciprocate. Towards you and towards her, there's neither party that I would wish to sideline for the other.

2. The pie is yours. Promise I won't even try. So pls just ignore what others say.

In short, I'm sorry..... sigh :(

****

We've tried, but this is as superficial as it gets. It's hard to go past a certain point and now I really understand why they say 'ignorance is bliss'. I know way too much for my own good.

Valentine's;

2012-02-14T10:00:00.000+08:00

I'm undecided regarding my take on Valentine.

Commercialized hype, yes, but that does not necessarily negate one's sincerity.

Don't understand why so many people are downplaying vday by saying 'Everyday should be Valentine's day'. If you're so indignant against vday, but at the same time not being a Romeo everyday, is that not hypocrisy or what.

Vday or not, it doesn't matter. Spread the love, bask in it. I only have one very strong stance, that becomes especially apparent on vday, and that is:

'Love does not boast.'

If you find the impending need to show off the love for attention, that's an act, not love.

Happy valentine's. <3

& lastly, sometimes it ain't always love. Sometimes, it's just a sudden feeling and you over-reacted.

A short getaway;

2012-02-13T01:47:00.000+08:00

Took a little breather over the weekend and I'm back;

My forehead hurts a little cause it's mildly sunburnt I think. Soaked up so much sun during that short trip, I'm hibernating from the UV from now on. Other than the sun, I've been extremely well-fed. How is it possible that almost every dish was a hit and such a solid hit at that?

Guilty pleasure, tenfolds over.

More about the trip another day. Work beckons and it's a recurring burden on my mind. The thought of checking my email accts tmr morning is quite a turn off. :( Wanna also vacuum the house early in the morning.

But for now, it's too late for any work-related stuff. I'm off for some doodle time.

Hectic weeks ahead. Gonna stand tall at the end of it. :)

****

Dragged along;
and all these while, it was just me.

Power-pack girls!

2012-02-09T22:45:00.002+08:00

Unbelievably back-logged.

Midterms start next week; 2 papers in fact.

And I'm regretting it so so much, but I really can only blame myself. So pissed with myself cause when I started my revision about 2 days ago, I enjoyed it. Interesting content plus very do-able. If I had just been more consistent and started being on track from the beginning, I have a fair bit of confidence that I will actually do pretty well. But too late. Made the self-conscious choice to divert my time away from work and hence I am underserving of good grades. sigh

Anw, had a guest speaker for one of my mods yesterday and the Q&A was interesting. So much I wanted to say and contest, but reserved some comments cause the other students had so many random questions. I figured they needed the answers more than I do since it's about their school. Somehow, always have a lot to say when it comes to education. To cut it short, I never believed in the whole "we're doing things this way (in school) to prepare you for the real world next time". This doesn't even warrant enough justification for most things and is more often than not, a poor, misused parallel.

Dance yesterday was a good workout. Been so long since I last stretched that way and I liked it. So glad I didn't skip class. Kept contemplating on whether to skip cause of the upcoming midterms but I will banish such thoughts from now on. Time management is my responsibility. Anw it was a psychomotor-much choreo, but I will get it by next week. Really wish we had more time in the studio and sessions were twice-weekly. This is definitely one of my better decisions this semester :) Till next week then!

Enough of rambles.

Out of time.

In the midst of completing an assignment, which is like biz analytics II all over again. The group decided to split up the work to save time, but being the worrisome fella, I'm completing the entire assignment. Desperately need to revise for the midterms.

Lastly, just a quick update on the earlier half of this week with the girls! :)

4 February 2012 (Saturday):

My regular, and hence no stranger, on this little cyberspace!

in fact, not just this cyberspace, but my life. :)

The irony is that we never used to meet this often when we were both in the same campus. Guess we took it for granted when we were in close proximity. I'm glad we're both making the effort to meet up once in awhile now, even if it's for just that couple of hours or sometimes even less. :)

Next date coming up at the end of the following week!

6 February 2012 (Monday):

One last meetup with Sand before she flies off again tomorrow, until one whole year later.

So cute whenever she texts me about the most random stuff these days while she's still in Singapore.

Lousy overexposed photo, but still,

so glad she's back. :)

gonna skype her and disturb her when she's back at aussie!

7 February 2012 (Tuesday):

Navy blue day with the girls! :)

heh they're so cute! Just look at what they're doing:

Great to be back at school cause of welcoming friends. Gotta admit that I don't get much work done whenever I'm back, cause so much time is spent on catching up and laughing together. But I'm not complaining the slightest bit cause I like the people I've been bumping into and meeting in school.

(and I know work will get better. It has to! hahaha)

& I love this photo, it's my current desktop wallpaper :)

Yet another lovely addition to my polaroid album. :*)

We always talk about how friendships are fated and it's true. You might be surrounded with the nicest of people but you might not click. To find that genuine friendship in someone and have it mutual, you really can't take it for granted. This is one of the less expected friendship to have happened and advanced just before 2011 came to a close. But somehow, you just know this is gonna go pretty far. :*)

****

Super long post.

& when the time comes, will you notice?

不懂.

2012-02-07T22:36:00.001+08:00

So many couples brought together in the past 6 months and probably more coming along the way.

We often say 'love is blind' but perhaps it's the other way round; Love makes couples see in each other what others can't. There's no other way I can look at this and understand it, than to accept that every single person, no matter how seemingly dislikable, has his/her merits in that one special one's eyes.

I guess it's difficult, as a third party especially, to fathom what exactly do some couples see in each other. And then it gets even harder to understand when everything happens in a whirlwind of seconds. Instant gratification?

But the point is, who are we to judge?

Times like this, if you are a good friend, I'll be happy to see you prove me wrong.
& I guess it's also times like this where you can be a little more optimistic that there really is someone for everyone.

p.s. Not referring to anyone or any situation in particular, really. Offhand, I can think of at least three couples that fit the above, so it's really just something felt all along.

****

In an attempt to make the tone more light-hearted,

came across this while clearing the photos from my phone!

My love-hate relationship with winter;

That was my short trip to Taiwan in December. I'm super lousy when it comes to my tolerance with the cold and the chilly winds. Just 14 degrees and I have to layer up already. But I love being bundled up in long sleeves and jackets and tights and scarves!

Tried refraining from buying long sleeved stuff cause our weather now is so mercilessly hot, but it's tough. Have been giving in to temptation cause they're all so nice. Now, everyday I just wish it would rain and be cold again, so I stay snug in all my warm wear. hahah impracticality indeed.

Anw, I'm in dire need of help.

Overflowing wardrobe (literally, cause my piles keep falling and I'm already trying to save more space by combining clothes into a single hanger for the hanged up clothes). Tried clearing up space the other day and ended up with what I began with. It's a tough choice cause most stuff are really new and there's hardly anything that I really dislike.

Somebody help me pls. Just come raid the wardrobe and take whatever you want. :(

Tell me, how do people organise and minimise their wardrobes?

My photo album;

2012-02-06T00:37:00.001+08:00

Have been wanting to do up a photo album of all my photos for the longest of time, but keep procrastinating and procrastinating, until I saw this photo uploaded on fb on Sat morning.

Then I decided that I don't want to delay it any further, before the memories slip past me.

Developed an exact number of a hundred photos today. Spent more than an hour arranging them into my album, but it was time well spent. :) now when I flip through the pages, it's like seeing a story unfold.

A pity I didn't have time to choose photos from my dance days or even from year 1 (but I will when I have the time!), so I figured the most convenient point to start was from oweek/heroes (last Aug).

Here's the hundred photos at a glance!

Gonna upload selected pages from my album when I'm free, and I hope that will serve as motivation for others to do up their own albums too. :) It's be worth it, trust me.

****

& I'm off to study my finance.

so so so flustered right now :(

A closure;

2012-02-05T01:57:00.001+08:00

You're really lesser than what you seem to be. Such a pity, and a huge one at that.

With this revelation of affirmation, I just hope I can still talk to you as though I am in oblivion. And I really don't need anything more. I just want to know that this friendship is real.

Sadly, was so dead right when right from the beginning, I thought that you were the most mystified person ever.

****
p.s. Looking at my schedule, February's gonna fly past even way faster than January! Decided to do up my monthly schedule on Excel and realised that the dad's right, I'm hardly around.

This was Jan;

I remember there were a couple of days when I headed home right after school cause I was so hooked onto Hell's Kitchen and didn't wanna miss the show. Until I found out they had a replay the next morning, and I just ended up taping the show from then on.

& cause I'm usually out, the dad hence labels me as 'someone whose form has no shadows'.

:( but I actually do try to put aside that one day from my long wkend breaks for the family. Maybe it's not enough though. Can you imagine looking back and smiling at all the times you've spent with your friends, then realising you left out the family? I'm not gonna be one of those people.

When I say it, I mean it;

2012-02-03T23:35:00.002+08:00

Had one of the most tiring weeks ever.

Used to be able to survive on really little sleep, but for one of those rare times, I have been fighting those sleepy eyes every single day.

Anw, enjoyed my first TGIF today! For once since sch started, I didn't have to stay in sch till 8pm on a Fri night. Had late lunch with Jaz after my class and it was just 4 hours straight of chatting. Girls will be girls when it comes to talking haha. Nice time listening to her share some stories and really appreciate when people trust you and open up to you so easily. definitely looking forward to more time tgt in the following weeks. :)

Headed off close to 8pm to catch Indancity's performance at SMU. Been such a long time since I last watched a contemporary dance performance. How can any parent not feel proud watching their child dance? At least you can feel comforted knowing that your child is spending his/her time learning an art, instead of wasting it on nothing. & the human body is amazing. It can take on so many forms and thinking about all the training that went into it, just makes it an even more valued sight.

So glad I made the effort to be there.
Promised WJ that I would turn up to support and I really did. Will never forget the times he was the bestest senior, and so it's my turn to reciprocate in whatever ways I can. :)

28 January 2012 (Saturday):

Met up with Sand for lunch!

It's amazing how we still talk like we've never been separated, though we've actually lost contact for quite awhile since JC till now. Used to be close friends in RG and seems like we haven't changed that much afterall. :) It's alws heartwarming when friends like these remember every single little quirks about you, that noone really pays much attention to. Had so much fun reminiscing about the past and just laughing over it. Goes to show that if you really want it, no friendship is hard to rekindle. :*)

Lunched at Ramenplay.

Super nice drink! I have a weakness for sodas and milkshakes. This was grapefruit flavoured. You can opt for alcholic or non-alcoholic. Can never quite go wrong with sodas. :)

& complimentary vanilla icecream with cornflakes because they missed out my order so I had to wait about 30 minutes in all. It happens so so often. My orders always get left out somehow. Anyhow, I liked the cornflakes & thankfully, it's vanilla icecream - the only flavour I don't mind.

Spent so much time chatting, then shopping and 5 hours flew past just like that.

Had to leave for the bash but we'll be meeting again soon before she flies back to aussie to study!

She said;

2012-02-03T00:18:00.000+08:00

Even with the most rational of mind, it's easy to lose progress when with you.

It's a neverending battle to detach from this one-way track, but some days I feel like I'm almost there. So so close, until one word from you, and I'm back to square one again.

Back to square one;
back to believing you.

CNY;

2012-02-01T22:26:00.001+08:00

Attended the first class of dance today and though the pace was pretty slow, I still enjoyed being back at the studio. Nv was the type who liked going through the basics, and I didn't like the choice of music, but it was really nice doing a choreo again. Nonetheless, that's one ny resolution accomplished. :) Hopefully I don't ditch the subsequent classes for work. I must persist and make this worth it.

Looking forward to class again next week! :)

****

23 January 2012 (Monday):

大年初一!

好朋友来拜年 :*)

This photo's so cute! With the mandarin oranges they brought over to my place:

So unfortunate that 30 minutes before they arrived, all 6 lifts in the estate broke down. But nothing unfazes the gang; they walked up 22 storeys to my place, albeit with tons of complaints hehe. Made to keep fit after all the cny snacking!

Spent the night just talking and laughing, all the way till 1am. :)

First time having friends come over for the cny and I really appreciate how they were so sporting and really made the effort to come! Impromptu decision on the morning itself to invite them over and they all turned up at 1030pm. :) so so sweet, especially since it was first day of cny and I wasn't expecting them to be available. Lovely bunch of friends indeed. <3

New year brings new hopes and new blessings.

May we all stay close, all the way till past graduation and a long long time ahead! :)

& it's been over a week, but so glad that the cny decor are still up in my house!

Liking what I see whenever I have my breakfast early in the morning.

****

Read this on fb earlier this morning - Replacements for the phrase 'I Love You':

“For no one else, but for you alone, I will allow my music to be touched. You can change it and put on something that makes me question the entirety of human history — but I’ll listen to the whole thing and even maybe bop my head a little to the left and right. A little.”

I guess it's about doing something that you'd never have otherwise imagined yourself to be willing to do.

Slowing down;

2012-02-01T00:37:00.000+08:00

I know the semester only just started, but...

I want a break already.

Quite unwilling to admit this, but all wish to do well this semester is gone.

For the three modules that need practice and theoretical knowledge, I haven't read the tb at all.

I haven't come to terms with that incompetancy of mine yet, but I've decided.

If I'm not gonna do as well because of my lack of effort, I better make sure the efforts are channeled fruitfully elsewhere instead. For now, there are plans for dance and a short getaway (both of which are happening within the next two weeks!) :)

p.s. I'm predicting a trend of chopped hair for the year. Alr spotted a handful more girls trading their locks for hair like mine, over the past two weeks. My advice, just cut it. I have super good affinity with girls now and I attribute it to my shorter hair hahaha

27 January 2012 (Friday):

Ryan's send-off at T3!

Been a little too busy to transfer the photos from my cam,

but here's a snapshot of our polaroid sent from him, just today:

6 whole months of peace and nirvana heh.

28 February 2012 (Saturday):

Lunched & shopped with Sand for the entire afternoon, but more about that another day!

Headed to St James at night to support biz for the Bash.

None of us brought cameras that day, thus the grainy (but still very lovely) photos :)

Masquerade;

Mr. Biz;

With my girls! :)

Super funny commenting on some of the performances that night, and saw some 'ugly' moments too (not physically but the things people actually do...) Pretty much like the interior of St James PS, except I heard it's an armyboys'/ahbengs hangout, then it just became an instant turnoff hahha.

****

Blogging must be one of my most disciplined moments.

But it's a really one of my most trusted source of release.

Someone like you;

2012-01-29T02:25:00.001+08:00

Found myself staring at him for awhile tonight, cause he was so much like your doppelganger.

The resemblance jolted my memories a little. Suddenly remembered what it was like when we first met, way before we became friends. Could somehow still vividly recall the times when we were still acquaintances; the feelings you stir (not that kind) and the way we acknowledged each other's presence with a very cordial smile.

I don't know how he can seem so much like you. Not just his looks, but the vibe and the demeanour; it was oddly so close to what you were like. For that moment when our stares locked, I thought: "That's you." But of course I know he's not.

Somewhere along the way when we became friends, the whole feel became different.

I mean, it's natural. You're no longer that passerby in school, but someone closer. I can't really put a finger to whether the change was for the better or for worse, or maybe it was really for neither.

But somehow, I wouldn't mind letting go of everything we are right now and just go back to those days. At least I could look at you then and just smile. We didn't need words, cause we had none to speak of, but at least that was a nice kind of silence.

We've outlived this time together.

Give me a reason;

2012-01-27T00:54:00.000+08:00

事事不顺.

Had such a terrible day today, it started all the way from the moment I woke up. All the slightest things that can go wrong, went wrong; one after another. I walked out of the house with a frown and the grumpy mood pretty much lasted the whole day. It was one of those lousy days when I couldn't even smile at others anymore. This girl in class told me she's so busy cause she's taking three modules. Could literally feel my boiling point peak. Of all days, just had to hear something as silly as this on an uneventful day. Three modules, mind you. I couldn't even manage the weakest of smiles. I just looked at her with the most stoned face ever and I had to look away before the frown gets obvious.

Had some fleeting moments of relief, but not spared for long. Series of unfortunate events lasted even to the very last moments few minutes ago. Sigh. Please, please just give me the approval. :( I'm not even supposed to be feeling so stressed up.

It's gonna be another late night for me.
So unhappy cause it's an 11-hours non-stop marathon for me in school tmr, before the send-off at the airport. I wanna be rested, cause the moment the fatigue sets in, I lose all mood to talk.

****
Today when we talked, there were so many moments I found myself understanding what you're going through, cause I've been through the almost exact situation myself, just not too long ago.

Making the effort | Getting half-hearted response
Holds back |
Gives up | Pulled back
Made use

And this whole cycle repeats. Talking about it from a third party pov today, I could laugh. Sounds funnily unbelievable that two very different people can be capable of the very same thing. But while I was in it, it wasn't the least bit funny. I remember feeling very annoyed yet helpless.

But I guess I was still in a better position. Can't really say the same about now though. Some days, I just feel like our words are worth a million bucks - each word is so so costly, that we just don't say it at all. I wish I could just save up all my talktime and use it at once for a decent conversation, than to go through these frequent brief moments of halted conversations.

If it's not too hard on you, do me a favour. Save those random few words of yours and string them into sentences instead for me.

Our end of the globe;

2012-01-26T01:17:00.001+08:00

No time to post about anything else or upload photos cause I'm struggling to finish my case now, in preparation for Friday. Haven't even prepared for tomorrow's class.

****

A short one tonight.

Mr. Super is flying off in 48 hours!

Frenemies;

Really the best word to describe us.

Lunch today made me realise that we're still like before, as always.

It's funny how you can find comfort in someone who makes you frown and stare; annoys and irritates you, jumps at every opportunity to poke fun at you, makes your heart boil.

Some days you wonder how you stand it, some days you just engage in a cold war.

But at the end of it all, you realise this is the very same person

who makes you laugh at every little thing, whom you can never stay angry at for long,

whom you say you hate but wouldn't give up for another.

One thing I know, this love-hate relationship is here to stay!

Whichever way the scale tips, as long as we're still in touch,

we can alws right the wrongs and better the goods. :*)

So to my fellow Superman:

Fly & explore;

but when you're done with the world,

it's time for me to annoy you with my neverending rambles again.

Black & White 21st;

2012-01-23T11:01:00.021+08:00

14 January 2012 (Saturday):

Yilina's 21st Party!

The first 21st party for 2012.

Compiled a short video of us & I was surprised, but v v glad, that we have so many photos together.

And it's such an eyefeast too cause I really think she's such a sweet looking girl, :*)

with an equally sweet personality.

A pity the quality of video is pretty poor on blogger. ):

The lovely balloons with our well-wishes tagged at the end.

With a few of the girls at the start of the party :)

Photo time with some of my favourite people from school! :)

The Oweek heroes;

There's always something so special about Oweek, nevermind if there were spoilers too.

& of course a photo with the pretty birthday girl :*)

Whenever I think of her, the word 'harmless' just comes to mind. You know how some girls are very pretty but annoying at the same time or they just exude a vibe of arrogance? Yilina's not. She's just the sort that's so sweet but zero threat at all and not so girly girly. In short, she's gonna be one fine lady after her 21st. :) (hehe sorry guys, no chance!)

:) Anw I really had a great time that night catching up with all these friends that I really miss while I'm away this sem. No one makes me laugh the way they do. A treasured bunch indeed. X

****

Was talking to a friend the other day and we touched on the topic of 'independence in a relationship'.

I think every couple needs to know how to spend time apart, without really growing apart. You can't alws stick to each other 24/7 and emotional independence will really do both parties some good. Anw if you really love each other, what matter does it make if you're not together all the time?

Different priorities, different social circles, different interests - learn to handle them.

Happy Dragon Year!

2012-01-23T01:11:00.000+08:00

Say hi to my new babydragon! :*)

The bro got it for me cause I said I wanted it heh.

Almost bought a tee with a cartoon dragon print on it ytd.

But now I think my toy is a much better buy! So so happy with it. :)

Mad cute.

Anw, Happy Chinese New Year! :)

龙年快乐!

I'm just wishing that this dragon year would bring us all a lot of love, luck, peace and joy. X

Oh, and good health too.

What could have been;

2012-01-22T17:35:00.003+08:00

Just saw the cutest thing while I was out with the bro & he bought it for me! :) Share about it when I have the time. Meanwhile, a couple of photos from yesterday and I'm off to pen a birthday card before prepping for the reunion dinner tonight. & I must must clear out my wardrobe too.

****

Just saw this question on my formspring earlier this morning:

"What's one thing about the past year that you would change?"

The answer came to mind immediately, cause I only have that one little regret from my 2011. Except, as much as I think things could have been better between us, it could have gotten worse too. Imagine if we were not on talking terms anymore.

So I guess I would rather just be inconspicuous.

At least we can joke and laugh and talk, like nothing matters.

My sweet contentment;

2012-01-22T00:19:00.000+08:00

Can't be more glad the week is finally over! Had a pretty good week at school cause there are nice people in every class. :) counting my blessings, truly. Nonetheless, the work's piling up and was pretty stressed about completing my 150 pages of readings before Friday's class. I somehow managed to do it and completed the grp assignment due next week too. Could literally feel the smile on my face when our meeting ended on Friday night. Contentment. :)

Unfortunately, I am not in full gear for school yet. But I'm moving forward with still a lot of bliss in me somehow. I haven't quite figured out what it is, I just know I am happy.

Short post up tonight. I'm tired but I shant drag my updates anymore.

21 January 2012 (Saturday):

Did my last min cny shopping!
Efficiency max mode on cause time was short.
I definitely need to head back to town for a round 2 after the cny heh. So many things I would have swept off the shelves if not cause I had to leave. I found a little piece of haven today.

Hit the streets of Chinatown with Ali today to soak up the cny festive mood. :)
A lil disappointing cause there are very few stalls compared to my recollection from many years back.

Walked over to Maxwell after that and whiled a couple of hours away eating and talking. It was a nice hideout from the rain. Ate so much, it felt like two meals in one!

& a good part of the night was just whiled away along the street and river and Raffles place and Clarke Quay. :*) I like to be out and away from crowd, so I'm glad we didn't hit the malls.

This is just how I would like to spend my time.

Next meetup, we're going swimming! hehe :*)

17 January 2012 (Tuesday):

Dinner at Yoshimaru Ramen along Holland V!

All I have to say is, this was our pact and it happened.
Had a lovely time together and I'm already looking forward to the one next month.

[17] :)

16 January 2012 (Monday):

A short hour meetup with Ali in town! :)

Then headed back to NUS to find Cailing :)

I still love school. Such a good feeling being back, really.

****

And at the end of the day, it's the people that count.

I owe every bit of my smile to them. X

Sigh;

2012-01-19T01:32:00.000+08:00

Was talking to a good friend yesterday and I was telling her how she crosses my mind every single day.

It's not that difficult at all. There's always a trigger point - Sometimes it's our photos, or the text msgs she sends or something completely random happens and I just feel like telling her.

& there's you too. Every passing day.

Tonight, I missed you super much. So close to telling you but I haven't (one part an ego thing). It's especially difficult on some days, when you're there yet not really there.

I missed you today,
just like I did yesterday, and just like I would tomorrow. X

Don't let love pass me by;

2012-01-18T20:22:00.004+08:00

14 January 2012 (Saturday):

Brunch at Hosted On The Patio with the dancers :)

January is the birthday month indeed. We have 5 dance girls with their birthdays this month, but only 3 could make it that aftenoon.

Hosted On The Patio have the most attentive staff, but extremely mediocre food. & they only offer brunch menu on weekends. I love breakfasts, and each set was only about $16 on average but this is one place not worth a second try. Can't quite decide if it's poor menu or poor cullinary skills, I just didn't quite like the food. The only redeeming point is, the place's pretty hidden. I would only head back for the seclusion, if ever.

The birthday girls, with their sunflowers;

So cute, blowing with puffed up cheeks! :*)

All the girls that day :)

Other than qings and shui, the rest of us has long given up on dance.

Looking forward to the day we could just redo one of our items tgt, or even all for that matter.

Maybe it's time to just head back to RJ one day and crash the studio. I heard they added mirrors to one of the corridors we used to go to whenever the studio was occupied.

One of our last items tgt - Balloons of Faith;

One of those rehearsals, when we were still so unpolished.

We just spent the night afterwards repeating segments over and over again. So high-strung and people got impatient, annoyed, irritated. But at the end of it, still rather go back to those days than to be so single-dimensional now...

Time to text all the girls soon.

It's really difficult for everyone to get along well together. Performing dissolves barriers, but only while it lasts on stage and in the studio. I guess this was one of my failures - we were never the bonded cca. We talk about bonding all the time. It's like one of the things you never leave out from the vision for the team, but one of the things that's always left incomplete.

We get the job done, every single time.

But when it came to the people, we left it as it is.

Ironically, we were fragmented in this supposed team activity.

Rosy retrospection;

2012-01-17T03:08:00.001+08:00

Textbook woes. I am super annoyed cause it's week 2 and I haven't got all my textbooks yet. And it feels like I won't get them anytime soon cause one of them is especially elusive. Every text I receive that says the book is sold just crushes me. :( Somebody, just sell me your textbk. I don't care if it's highlighted, marked, ugly or whatever. As long as the pages are not falling out, I am v v satisfied and contented. Such a silly thing to be unhappy over, but I need totality. Gah.

Just spent my entire day out and I can only say, time flies. The hours flew past like minutes. It was such a lovely feeling going back to school. I was smiling while walking along the pavement from arts to biz. Sometimes, I really wonder if things are really that great, or do I just make them out to be better than what it really is? It sounds like I have the perfect friends and a perfect school life. The truth is, I don't. I just amplify the good a lot somehow, cause I appreciate them so much.

****

Abrupt end to this post cause I started on it before midnight, but it's 255am now. Just had a really long chat with cailing on the phone and it's a very nice time spent talking. :) I think one of our consensus is that, you have to put in the effort for friendships. It need not be that fervent or conscious, but it has to exist. You cannot expect a friend to always be there for you if you can't even be bothered to reply msgs, let alone make the effort to keep up with the friend. If you are feeling guilty reading this, you are guilty. Better make good before you lose your friends. You nv rightfully deserve anyone in your life, so don't take anyone for granted. My advice: If you treasure someone, say it and mean it and show it.

And I'm so so happy! Just received an unexpected fb msg and that was a very timely reminder for me to reply another one. See, just that bit of effort can actually make someone's day. :) I am suddenly so thankful again for friends who bother. :*) It's really not about how far apart you are or how often you talk. It's really just how much you mean it. (And that's two friends I will will treasure!)

Lastly, this is for my most loyal blog reader. I was gonna text you, but I decided I shall give you a special mention here, cause I know you will definitely read this before I see you tomorrow. :) I'm super touched and heartened that when we made the pact to meet every month, you really made the effort to ensure we will meet tmr as planned. 17th. :*) There is no doubt, you're a keeper. And I just want to say: Thank you. For being such a good friend, for bothering and for trying. You have no idea how much I really appreciate this. It's unintentional and not planned at all, but this just perfectly proves my above point on putting in that effort for people you care.

:) so happy.

We fell out!

2012-01-15T20:13:00.020+08:00

8 January 2012 (Sunday):

Have you seen this girl around?

We're like best friends turned rivals!

hehe I kid you!!! :)

I swear all my friends who don't know Ali in real life, knows her from my facebook cause there's always photos of us! And I am not complaining one bit.

And you know what, I can't believe it's only been 1 exact week since I last saw her (I just checked the date while typing up this post). It's crazy how the past week felt so so long! What did school do to me. :( (It's kinda already proven from last night that school made me stupid-er. Gosh.) I ramble a lot these days too and laugh like non-stop. I think I am happy. :*) Not because because of school, just because of school.

I was telling Ali how for once, she has like way longer hair than me!

I'm still getting used to seeing photos of my shorter hair. It was already strange to begin with, cause I used to look at my photos and thought it's so weird how they are all photos of me. I can't really describe it, but I'm just not acquainted with my own looks? It's almost as though I don't recognise myself all the time. It's so surreal to think that in all the photos, the person I'm staring at is really me. I still feel that way all the time. Am I the only one like that?

And so, it's strange to a whole new level now that I have chopped my hair!

Like how can this same person still be me???

And so I just decided to look through some old photos with Ali, when I still had my long hair. (Just got reminded how I can't have a long side braid anymore ): )

hehe this bottom left hand corner one is from super long ago! Like december 2010 when Ali came over my place to bake and we had afternoon tea. Fish fingers! One of Ali's fave food. :)

Anw, I'm super preferring the short hair now. A lot of friends seem to like it better too.

I'm ditching the feminine, girly look!

Lastly, my current wallpaper on the laptop :*)

You have no idea how comforted I am whenever I switch on the laptop and see this.

It just makes me feel like I'm home and safe and loved. <3

I think I am meeting Ali tmr! :*) we promised that we will make time, because it's really just how much effort you wanna put in for the other person.

p.s. I apologise for some really strange parts in this post. I really think school made me a little off tangent. Friends who just read this, pls still be my friends. I am still quite sane, most of the time! hahahha.

****

It's so so easy to fall into your very same trap. I feel like I tripped into it again.

& I realised something: you weren't even trying.

It's just the way you are and the things you do to me.

Sigh, you're magical.

You make me wanna smile at you, in person, so so much.

It's not that hard, really;

2012-01-15T01:35:00.003+08:00

It's true when people say expectations kill, it so does. How do we end up having crazy high standards of others and always so blind towards our ownselves? I always think I know myself so damn well (at least, most of the time) but tonight, I felt so forced into a corner, I said it out. I said: "I am apathetic, that's just me."

And I just felt stopped in my tracks. I seriously wonder how apathetic am I, if I'm even apathetic to begin with. Maybe it's just my convenient excuse, like I say it and act it whenever I want to avoid confrontational situations. But then again, it's probably inherently in me, cause a lot of times, I really just feel nothing at all. It's like I'm so void of feelings and am fully conscious of that lack of emotions.

I'm hardly angry or upset, I just like to keep quiet and have my silence. But I guess that's what provokes the other party most of the time - because they expect me to voice out my (barely existent) displeasure. And that's when I lose it. I don't like being made to talk when I don't want to. Leave me alone and we can have our rainbows and unicorns soon after. I don't understand why must we force ourselves to talk over things when it will just blow over so easily. Not everything needs an explanation or a conclusion. And just one more thing, I hate it when people have to drag third parties into anything that should just involve two of us. The moment a third person has to be involved, there is no way I want to be part of the whole situation anymore. This is like my utmost test of tolerance.

Enough of rant. ~~This could have been the perfect day.~~

So so close to perfect, it is perfect. :*) we don't need much. This is really all I need. I was just thinking, if we could be like that for real the whole time, won't I be living in my perfect (myopic) bliss?

****

It's the month of birthdays! :)

Sigh, I miss the people so so so much.

The guys are still so funny, I laughed till my tummy hurt.

Pls tell me why such lovely people exist. :*)

and yay bumped into WJ at holland v tonight! :) let's hope we really do meet up next week. Can't wait to hear what it is that he has to tell me. Scratch that. I just can't wait to meet and talk. Finally, it's so much easier to meet up. I can't be any more grateful. x

Regrets;

2012-01-13T00:33:00.000+08:00

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

http://www.empowernetwork.com/Caroline/blog/nurse-reveals-the-top-5-regrets-people-make-on-their-deathbed/

****
Just expect the worst and most things really do get much better. :)

Bumped into a friend from my JC while I was in school today and I was pleasantly surprised she said hi. She's definitely one of those people I've always wished I could get to know better, but because of the most silly reason, we "fell out" before we even got to know each other well. But seeing her today, I only have one word - motivation.

****

Anyway one of the best things about school now is, I have super legitimate reasons to meet up with some of my other good friends much more often! One of them is Jang, and it feels like JC school days all over again. :*) I have no idea why, but she's like the only person I can manja to, even when she asks me to stop it or tells me: "WHAT YOU WANT?" hahahha.

I like Jang a lot, cause she can do anything and everything! :*) not exaggerating, but it even feels like she can hold up the sky for me if it falls while we are together. Said this before in one of my old posts - whenever my food tastes odd, I'll ask her to try it for me and she will ngiam me, but still try it for me! I don't think I can still find such sacrificial friends hahaha.

Anw today, she was sharing with another friend about her epic first day story in J1. She came into class, looked around, and thought to herself: "suay, why got ah lian in this class."

And yes, that was her first impression of me hahha. I think this story will live with us till we're 80 cause she still tells it and remembers it very very well. In my defense, I just liked to tie my hair in a ponytail without using a comb. I describe my own preferred style in JC as ruggard and sis used to say I look like a scruffy puppy in my oversized uniform. In any case, I guess I just didn't want to be prim and proper but definitely wasn't trying to be an ah lian!

Trivial from the good old days! Anw time for bed now so I can be a hero during class tmr :)

Blue-er than the deep blue sea;

2012-01-11T20:22:00.001+08:00

You really can't have everything going perfect for you, can you?

Haven't had this feeling in such a long time, it was really helpless beyond words. Wasn't the slightest bit wrong when I thought I was fortunate, cause I really was. Turn left, turn right, or even, turn my back against, I always had my safety net. But today, it just wasn't my day.

Was that close to tearing, but I held it in. I just don't like making wrong decisions. And what's adding to this day of blues is the fact that the sis is in school now having lessons until 9pm. :( :'( I'm not being a baby but I can't live without the sis sometimes. I wrote a note on our whiteboard yesterday saying that I was suffering from 'separation anxiety attack' and what that means is, I get anxious when we are separated (not all the time, obviously). It happens when I'm feeling scared or unsure or uneasy about something, then I just need her to be around me the whole time so I'll feel safe and assured. Sigh. :(

It's ok. In sis's words, I'm a warrior. I'm going to right the wrongs and make things work. On to a better day tomorrow! :)

5 January 2012 (Thursday):

Tried cable-skiing at Batam for the very first time!

Super lucky to have a fine weather, wasn't too hot, just that little bit glaring.

Bumped into another group of NUS students there and they seem pretty seasoned at the sport.

All beginners start with the kneeboards, and I think you can't go too wrong as long as you follow their instructions to lean forward, while the cables pull you along. But experiencing the actual speed is nothing like watching it. It's definitely way faster than it looks, and requires quite a bit of arm strength cause the cable tugs extremely hard, especially at all the bends. We all died from crazily pain muscleache the next day; no joke when I say it feels like someone yanked your arms off and sloppily reattached them back for you. Sean said he couldn't scratch his back. hahaha

And the guys were pretty much immobilised.

& no, I haven't been able to stand up on the boards like this! :(

Gave up after a few tries cause I started sneezing non-stop and was getting feverish.

The guys were really persistent at it. We spent our entire afternoon there, at least 6 hours of sun and water. I was out of my life jacket already cause I couldn't continue. Just knew I was falling sick when I woke up with a throat pain. :(

But everyone had fun nonetheless and the bestest part of it all, no one got hurt. :)

Spent the next three days with a high fever and the most painful headache ever.

I never really had headache in my life before, this was just one fatal blow.

The doc said it's natural cause I was running a high fever. (they made me wear a mask in the clinic, I swear I almost suffocated. :( and each time I breathe out from my nose, the air is so warm, it really felt like sauna.)

I'm just waiting for the cough to recover now. Cause it's making me quite an anti-social. :(

The trade-off of hardly falling sick is, it gets so bad for that very one time that it happens.

At least this means I am gonna be so fit and well for the rest of 2012.

First day jitters;

2012-01-10T23:47:00.001+08:00

School for this semester officially starts tomorrow and I have no idea why, but I do feel a little unsettled. Guess it's cause I don't know what to expect. In any case, I'm done looking through both sets of notes for tomorrow. I just wished I had all my textbks sitting in front of me. sigh, one of those OCD moments again. I must have all my notes printed out and textbks purchased before I can start studying proper. And I must have every single piece of paper filed up before I can start revision for the finals.

Having a slight panic attack cause it already feels like this will be another hectic semester. People have been telling me to slow down, relax, take it easy, slack a little, etc. I have no reply for that because some things, I just want to do my best for it. Maybe we're too privileged; we take our education for granted, we lament at having to mug and take the exams. My take on this is: If you hate it so much, quit school. No one is holding you back. In fact, you're hogging a space that you don't quite deserve. But then again, people are realistic. They want (or need) the degree & recognition but they are only willing to give that bit of effort. So you know what's their justification for their half-hearted efforts? They will tell you:

"Results are not everything."

Sounds familiar?

Of course grades are not everything, but then again, what is everything? Why would you need something to mean everything before you can work hard for it? Doesn't this make you a very non-dependable person? Don't use this phrase as an easy way out. Unless you're doing very well, else this would just sound like an excuse.

Each phase of our lives, we hold different responsibilities. For now, one of those responsibilities is being a student. Perhaps you can say "Good grades are not everything". It's true, if you read Outliers, you'll see how the author attributes many successes to 'Opportunity'. But opportunity without capability will only get you that far. My bottomline is, whatever you do, put in your best effort. There shouldn't exist a need to justify why you are putting in less effort.

And so, if you're one of those people whose dream in life is to chill and be laidback in your studies, go ahead. There's no need to rally your friends around you to do the same or worse still, fault them for working hard. That makes you a bad friend cause you're not acting in the best interests of others.

Such a long rant cause the root of this issue boils down to an attitude problem, which can be fixed if people start realising. As a student, it makes perfect sense to be dedicating a large portion of your time to your studies, just like how you would spend alot of time on your work when you're in the corporate world next time. I don't see how there should be any difference between both situations; it's all about 'responsibilities' and how well you can keep to it.

Time for bed now! Have to be up at 6+ so I'll have lots of time before my first class starts.

2011 New Year's Eve;

2012-01-09T23:55:00.000+08:00

I'm back! :)

Have been feeling so sick for the past few days that for once, I didn't want to touch my phone or laptop. I guess it's cause I was perpetually drowsy, I wanted to just stay disconnected and not expend energy on surfing the net or replying msgs (both of which usually takes up a fair bit of time and effort). At least I'm much better now. Still extremely drowsy and light-headed but the fever is gone. I'm just waiting for the pain in my throat to subside, cause now it just feels like I'm swallowing stones and it hurts so bad. :(

*****

31st December 2011 (Saturday):

The very very last day of 2011.

Celebrated nye and countdown with the dancers this year.

I really dislike crowd, chaos and squeezing, hence we popped by a quieter place

and it was such an unbelievably brilliant choice. :*)

Dinner @ Yoshimaru for some ramen.
I love this polaroid; it's twice the size of the usual instax film.
Got it complimentary from the staff who asked if they take a photo of us. :)

Hopped by starbucks for some coffee before settling at nydc to while time until the countdown.

Nydc had a really good playlist that night; love the songs that were playing over their speakers.

But the real party only began when the pub next door started blasting their music.

The mood was kind of high and somehow, everyone was so happy and energized.

The happiness was infectious; I liked it a lot.

So this was how we spent our countdown. :)

Went over to C's house at 2am to chill at their new private jacuzzi.

Had some baileys, ham and turkey.

With the girls :)

And this was us almost 2 years ago;

(just realised we're in the exact same position!)

Stayed up through the night, all the way till next morning before I could finally catch a wink at 8am.

By then, I was tired beyond words.

Honestly, have never been the kind who looks forward to the start of a new year.

I guess cause a new year holds nothing significant for me. The divide between last year and next year is so arbitrary anyway. There's no promise of a better year ahead and almost everything is still as unpredictable. Each passing year only means you become 1 year older.

if 2012 truly marks the end of the world, what would you do?

& guess what would I do.

Blacked out;

2012-01-06T23:22:00.001+08:00

Still recovering from the fever and sores.

Fainted for the very first time today and somehow,

being sick just makes you feel much more alive.

Gonna head back to bed again very soon

& I'm super craving for a lot of food. :(

****

Back from cable ski-ing at batam :)

Just super thankful that it was a safe trip.

None of the guys spotted what was different, even after I told them!

And I thought it was super obvious.

No idea how I got used to it so fast.

Except, each time I see this photo on my hp wallpaper:

Then it kinda hits me.

But it's a new year,
new year of changes and new beginnings.

Felt so much like before, but we're nowhere close;

2012-01-04T22:30:00.000+08:00

You know what's the most haunting part about dreams?

It's when everything seems so pretty and real, until you wake up realising it was all a dream.

And sometimes, it's really not about the make-beliefs that make you let out that little sigh. It's the 'used-to-be's that make you so painfully aware of how things have changed for the worse, and it's probably never gonna be the same again.

I have been a victim of my own dreams for over a week. It's discomforting how it always revolves around the same you, with a recurring storyline of us conversing and me laughing. And when I wake up, that is one of the most sinking feeling, ever. Thankfully, I slip back into sleep soon after cause I'm just usually so tired.

Thinking too much creates a problem that wasn't even there in the first place.

It's not easy, but I've been trying. Been making a very conscious effort to keep you and what we shared out of my mind. I'm a self-professed stone-heart and I must keep to it.

****

Please, safe trip tomorrow.

An irresponsible love;

2012-01-03T00:00:00.002+08:00

How can I love, when I'm afraid to fall?

But watching you stand alone,

all of my doubts suddenly go away somehow.

One step closer.

Been listening to this song quite a bit lately and I like the way the blues seep through so subtly; bittersweet melancholy, yet there's just something hopefully promising in it.

****
Anyway, got mildly riled up in the wee hours of the new year morning, despite my peepers threatening to shut on me. In short, a friend's ex broke up with her, said mean stuff and went separate ways, until recently, they were both involved in the same overseas school trip. Their paths crossed again and he started calling her so many times when they returned to Singapore.

He talked about their past and expectedly, he wanted her back.

She said to him: "This (their past r/s) was everything I wanted, but not anymore."
And she wanted him to stop calling her.

She said she's over him, but the whole episode still makes her so sad. The sadness was telling. She still chokes on her words when she spoke about them and you could hear the quiver in her voice. And it's been almost a year since the breakup. A whole year of new friends, new thoughts, new experiences, but still not enough to override that pain.

That just made me feel so unjustified for her.

Loved her,
Broke her.

It's so selfish, really, to think that someone else is at your dispense.

Dumped her when he found another and then tore her up with his bitterness.
Then when he realised she's a really good catch afterall, he tried to get her back using their past as a bait. Why bring up the past when you have nullified it the very moment you devalued her and the relationship with your thoughtless words?

How irresponsible can such people be, thinking that they have the right to manipulate another person's feelings. You don't destroy a soul so carelessly and then expect the very same soul to pull itself together for you, just so you can deconstruct it yet another time.

So glad there's someone new in her life to break her free from this entanglement.
It's true that the best (and sometimes, the only) way to get over someone, is to have another someone.

In love, have some respect.
Love is neither a past time nor a novelty. It is a commitment.
And if you're not up to it, don't involve others in your fantasy.

****

I have died everyday waiting for you. 

2012; what would you hold for me?

2012-01-01T14:43:00.001+08:00

I've decided against reposting my 2010 reflections, simply because I would have to omit most stuff since it was quite raw and personal. The highlight of 2010 was definitely entering uni and till today, after three hectic semesters, I still think it's the best decision in my life so far. So many times, strangers have asked me about school and whether I like it. I say 'yes' with a passion and I say to them:

"I really love almost every single module I've done in school."

They always say I'm the first person they know to like school so much, but that's how much I'm loving and treasuring where I am. Because of that, I never find it a chore being in class or doing my work or mugging for the exams. Everytime the work piles up and the stress gets to me, I just remind myself that I'm lucky doing what I really enjoy and that helps me tide through every trying moment.

And I owe my most heartfelt thanks to the sis for supporting my decision to follow this path, right from the very beginning. :*) I know I can excel in almost anything I want to, but to be able to do something I want and to have that one person's support, that's one thing I will never take for granted.

A little snippet from the 2010 post:

"2010 has been a year of growth and change; I’ve never felt myself growing up so much in such a short span of time. As much as I may seem unfazed, lots of my thinkings and actions have changed. Turning points; that’s the term they use to describe life-altering moments, and this year must be one of those fixtures in my life.

I’ve grown to become more independent, sure, in-charged, matured and aware. I’m starting to have a better idea of what it is I want in my life and I’m working towards it, slowly but steadily.

I’ve seen people come and go, but I’m at ease with that because true friends stick close, and I’m thankful for them. To the many new friends I’ve acquainted with this year, I cannot express how appreciative I am of them for sharing, inspiring and moulding me along the way."

And the post ended off with this: What’s up for me in 2011?

"I want a fulfilling year ahead; one that is defining at its best or memorable at its least. I hope I have enough stamina, focus and determination to face the new semester ahead." - from 2010.

2011; my year of realisations.

This one year, I've learnt a lot about myself, changed and I'm still learning.

I got acquainted with many new individuals right from the start of the year and all the way throughout the semester too. My lucky stars must have been shining really brightly for me to have met them. They are the most welcoming and unassuming friends ever and I got close to quite a number of them really easily. We might not talk often, but I appreciate them so much for always treating me with kindness. When I'm down, I receive messages asking if I'm fine and they are so genuine about wanting to offer a listening ear. I'm touched because our schedules have kept us apart and we haven't built the strongest bond as a result but these are the kind of friends who are somehow always behind me and they are really there when I need them. Really goes to show that it's not about how much or how often you talk, but about how true you are towards each other. There are of course other instances and I can't be more thankful to have them play their own role in my 2011.

I've definitely derived a lot of simple joy from those I hold close cause there's no pretence amongst us and even if I'm always the butt of their jokes, I laugh along cause deep down, they are really nice friends to have. I want to name all these people down but I can't cause I obviously have to leave out some.

But I just want to say that, trust me, I will let you know who you are. :)

and no words can speak how much I treasure these friends.

Along the way, I've lost two of my really close friends but before this year comes to a close, I'm glad to say the losses were reversed. What doesn't kill you, just makes you stronger. No one was in the wrong when we faulted. Each relationship tells you a story about the other person and about yourself, and if it matters enough, you'll want the relationship back even if it has exposed you to the ugly side of stuff. Evidently, I do treasure you guys and what we had, a lot. Moments of impulse can never negate the memories we share, and I don't forget the many good things I've received from being a part of your lives.

Not surprisingly, I've also experienced the less rosy side of friendships.

For one, I met really unkind people and I will never be able to get along with them unless they start being more real and less of a stuck up. My misfortune for having to see such people around and I admit they drain my soul cause I haven't been able to brace myself from being affected. It's a losing battle I'm fighting because I let the displeasure grow in me and it consciously takes over my rational mind. I can't get a better control of the situation so I've decided, I'm curtailing this unhappiness by cutting contact with the very people close to the root of this evil.

And it's been hard dealing with people who are so insincere in friendships. It's sad how they try to get close to you, but when you take a step back and look at the friendship, there's really nothing to it and it's starting to show. I'm past the stage of feeling upset, and it's turning into frustration. If you need a quick fix for your boredom or a stepping board to a wider social circle, please leave me out of your selfish intentions. I know I give my most genuine self to my closer friends and if you have been taking advantage of my niceness, maybe it's time we be fair and you can spare a thought of me. This was my silent plea, but I'm saying it out now cause I can't stand it anymore. :(

Reciprocity; that's how we'll grow tighter.

Mere words and laughters will get us nowhere.

The other highlight of 2011 was my internship at J&J.

It was definitely the happiest period of my 2011 and I've never experienced any form of optimism close to that. It felt so strong and tangible that I woke up everyday looking forward to everything that's to come. Because of that, I had a new found motivation that was even stronger than before.

I loved the job,

loved my superiors (ever encouraging, trusted me with everything and saw the potential in me),

loved my fellow interns from the same dept (they taught me a lot and never ever made me feel like an incompetent year 1), loved the environment

and I loved having time after work to catch up with friends.

I just never felt any happier before in my life and it was so surreal how the happiness lasted almost throughout the entire internship period. I really felt blessed and lucky.

Unfortunately, this blissful moment didn't last long.

School started, negativity poured in. The saddest part was being unable to properly deal with my emotions, which saw my motivations shift. All along, I was my greatest competitor. I wanted to do well in school only because I wanted to fulfil my own expectations. Until my emotions got the better of me, and I wanted to do well only to prove I could be as good as the very person who created all the dissonance in me. It was a very disheartening struggle and I never did and never will talk about this.

Slowly realised that it's getting increasingly hard to excite me.

Apathetic and nonchalent,

and the only thing that stirs strong feelings in me,

is the feeling of hate.

Come 2012, here's what I'm hoping and praying for:

Strength to tide through the low periods,

wisdom to cherish the good moments,

luck to welcome inspiring new individuals,

discipline to stay true and focused

and magnanimity to love and forgive all around me.

And for the heart,

I'm praying for the speed to race again.

****

Lastly,

I want to go back to dance, if it's ever possible.

I just want to be in a studio again, cause that's the only place (apart from the stage) where I can dance freely without feeling shy or reserved. I'm not the kind of born performer who is comfortable dancing in front of people at anytime. I need the stage or I need to be amongst a group of dancers.
haha the irony of my insecurities, sometimes.

Ending off this very very long post with a video I've forgotten about,

if not cause I was just browsing through stuff on facebook.

Thanks qings for doing it up before we graduated. :)

It has way less than half the performances we did throughout our JC days,

but so so nolstagic already.

Fun fact: The very last performance in the video was our SYF piece and it depicts the stuggles of the comfort women during war time. The term "comfort women" was a euphemism used to describe women forced into sexual slavery by the Japanese military during World War II.

I still remember how my arms and legs were so so bruised from the practice sessions of the 'rape' scene. It's funny when I think back about it now but I remember feeling quite sick and traumatised for awhile back then, cause it got too real. Nonetheless, we worked really hard for it, and was duely rewarded with our gold with honours :)

***

Scheduled for this post to be posted at 12am on New Year's Day but due to some mishap, it's only up now. Stayed up through the night and I just wished the weather wasn't so so hot today.

Happy New Year to all who are reading this,
may you find blessings in your heart for 2012. :*)

My half-hearted words;

2011-12-30T23:40:00.003+08:00

Happy New Year's Eve Eve! :)

This is starting to feel so real, that 2011 is coming to an end. I can still remember last year's new year's eve quite clearly and seems like a whole year has slipped past me, without the slightest hint of slowing down.

Been having some less pleasant dreams over the past few nights. I don't recall a thing, but at least I wake up knowing that everything's just a figment of the mind's imagination. Have been sleeping without my alarm for almost a week, so it's becoming a routine to just open my eyes when the body clock kicks in (or when a message vibration wakes me), reach out for the phone to check the time and then I just spend the next fifteen minutes in bed replying messages. Kinda like my days to start like this. Sadly, I don't look forward to breakfasts anymore cause I have none to speak of. The maid doesn't bother, so all I have every morning is juice, which accompanies me while I read the papers. No idea why I just described something so mundane. I guess the point is, I like certain things to remain routined in my life.

Anyway, lunched at 313's Marche with the JC guys today. It's funny how the clique kinda fell apart for some reason or another (and some weren't close to begin with). We were like the most mismatched group of friends ever, but at least on my part, I'm glad I kept contact with quite a few of them, even though they don't do it amongst themselves. Super guilty for being half an hour late, but they were really nice about it. Given a choice, in a heartbeat I would choose to wait for others than have them wait for me cause I can't stand being nibbled by guilt. Lunch was good and we're pretty much still like how we were in JC, so full of fun and and jokes and laughters. :)

Not advocating the elitism here, but I'm sharing this cause I found his unexpected reply really funny.

Guy A: The girl I would date must be pretty and quite smart.
Me: What's 'quite smart'? Must be from Uni?
Guy A: Must be studying a good course in Uni.
Guy B: So, from FASS can or not?
Guy A: -pauses to think-
Can la,
but only if she's the valedictorian.

I just laughed so so hard at that hahaha.

Short three hours of catching up before I had to head over to SMU to collect some stuff and then zoom off for my evening appointment. Picked up two Ramly burgers on the way home, one for the bro's supper. Never had a single good Ramly burger in Singapore but I still buy them once in awhile, only cause I had really really superb ones whenever we visit my grandma's place in Malaysia when I was young,. If only I could still have them here.

Definitely need to crash before 1am tonight cause it will be a long night out tomorrow.

****

29 December 2011 (Thursday):

Super last minute decision to go K, cause plans kept changing!

(Sis's friend told her that this year 3 friend of hers actually used a derogatory term on me and honestly, I wasn't the least bit fazed by her mindless comment. It's silly because that girl doesn't even know me personally, but she "sees me around in school". I mean, if you can have so much hate for someone you only see around in school (to quote her), you must either be sorely mistaken, an imbalanced person who needs to find fault in others to feel good about yourself or a super naive superficial judgemental individual. Anyway she claims to be in one of my class, but the truth is, she's not. So I'm half starting to suspect she's got the wrong person or she's just creating a fib, which is just immature and I cannot imagine why would anyone want to do that.)

Met up with the TMC peeps for dinner and all I can say is, there are gonna be quite many plans ahead for us in the coming semester. For one, looking forward to meeting the new batch of Europe students coming to NUS to complete their Masters. Being amongst them each semester makes me feel like I'm on exchange sometimes, cause we'll share about our own countries and culture and education. Definitely interesting cause they are usually very friendly and honestly, I like their attitude towards work - so laidback but somehow work gets done and results are achieved.

And I like interacting with the TMC exco sometimes. It's one of the only times in school where I straddle between feeling like a senior and a junior. The year 3s truly feel like seniors cause they are always there to give me really sound and sincere advice on my path in NUS. And conversing with the year 1 guys sometimes remind me that I am indeed a year younger than them. Somehow never ever feel this way with my own batchmates though the guys are all two years older.

****

You said I was a fool, a fool who fell in love with someone who has no feelings

I say you are a fool, a fool who loves her & your eyes can't tell a lie.

I miss my tumblr sometimes.
It's a much easier way to express myself,
but it's lousy for my day-to-day narrations
(which I realise I still dislike doing, after reading my old tumblr).

Flashes of blur;

2011-12-29T20:24:00.015+08:00

I can't handle a monologue of my own.

Anyway such a super nice feeling yesterday. Heard from a friend that he and X suddenly talked about me and X mentioned something nice about me. So so honoured cause I have the most favourable impression of X and I only just mentioned it to someone the day before. :)

****

28 December 2011 (Wednesday):

Had dimsum from Victor's Kitchen for lunch. Second time there and finally some proper dimsum after the last disappointing trip to Din Tai Fung. It's a very simple and humble eatery, but there's a crowd to beat. For liushabao lovers, you must must try it when you're there. Nothing spectacular about the other dimsum but good enough. I love the dimsum kind of charsiewbao so I think I ate slightly more than one on my own. The porridge was good too.

I personally thought their prices were quite reasonable, cause it averages on $3.50 to $4 per basket. But on second thought, maybe it ain't that cheap afterall. Kinda realise I have a skewed perception of money when it comes to food, cause food's one of the things I'm most willing to pay for haha. Speaking like a true Taurus, apparently.

Met up with Anzie after that cause the Campus Crusades from a few local institutions were having an activity where they had to share about their religion with either strangers or friends. Very touchy topic so I am not going to dwell on it. Just going to mention that I liked the first activity we did. She handed me 30 postcards, each with a different image, and I had to choose 3 that described my life now.

I chose these three:

Anyway, looking forward to my weekly meetup with her at SMU and she's going to share more thoughts and teachings with me. Listening with an open mind cause it's the faith I'm interested in.

Met up with my worst co-ogl ever after that and we bumped into our freshie! haha what are the odds.

Anw thank you, I finally got that sandwich that was promised from eons ago.

While walking towards Rochor tauhway at Selegie, we both heard someone calling my name. We turned around and saw two guys who turned around too. I didn't recognise them and they looked equally blur as well, so we continued walking on. Then a lady from behind told us that the person who called out was on the motorbike that rode past us. Strange encounter, but I still don't know who did that. Thought it was my ears playing tricks, but ryan was so sure he heard it too.

Anyway, bumped into YT while leaving the tauhway shop. Had a brief friendly exchange and I still think she is one of the cutest girl ever. :)

27 December 2011 (Tuesday):

While reading through my old blog, I realised that today's the eleventh year Oscar's been with the family :) (I know, so bad of me for forgetting...) Made the impromptu decision to bake for him cause I baked Milk Cookies last year, so this year it was Apple Pupcakes! hehe substituted the bananas with apples cause it's his absolute favourite of all time.

With the little boy <3

11 years on and I still look at him every single day thinking he's super cute and that I really love him. He's the most manja boy ever and that just makes him all the more adorable. :*) And till today, I still think I'm so lucky my parents have something for dogs, so I can be the fortunate child who grows up with a doggie. The joy and love you share with a pet, it really cannot be described or experienced unless you have one on your own. For that, I am blessed. <3

AG dinner for the night!

Went out with wet hair and came home with a messy braid haha.

Was tasked to organise this AG outing and 11 people turned up this time round! A pretty good turnout I would say, esp since some were overseas and some just never do turn up for any single one of our events. Headed to Strictly Pancakes and I really really like pancakes a lot.

They didn't take reservations so waiting time was 40 minutes, followed by another 30 minutes waiting time before our orders were served. Honestly, the pancakes weren't spectacular. But as long as it's decent, any pancake is good pancake. (Super craving for it again now.)

Shared the pancakes with Cam cause I wanted to try both the usual plain ones with garlic herb butter & maple syrup and the savoury one (haha greedy much). I loved the pancakes but they were so so filling, it felt like the equivalent of a buffet. Definitely heading back there! But this time, I'll share just one portion.

It was a nice night hanging with the AG guys. They are really a super funny bunch.

Let's see if our plans of a lupsup Batam trip will materialise next week!

26 December 2011 (Monday):

Quick lunch with Cailing at Din Tai Fung before heading over to Viresh's house.

Extremely hard to go easy on the food whenever there's just outings and more outings. But it was fun just catching up over lunch. This was definitely one way overdue meetup and glad we made it this time round. Appreciate the card and the little gift and looking forward to more time together. :)

Very happy to see the Heroes gang again at V's place. It's been so long and this is one group of friends who always gives me the sense of familiarity and comfort that makes me smile from within. Had fun with the pool and kinect and just joking around with the gang. Tons of photos from that night, but need to wait for YH to upload for us first!

Anyway, super big thanks Viresh for inviting us over! Dinner was really good too, so a big sincere thank you to the mum for being such a gracious host.

For now, just one pic with ali from that night :)

Thanks for being so patient that night, and not feeling left out when we were making jokes amongst the group. It's nice how our friends intertwine and we always end up together.

Ended off the night with a sendoff at the airport.

Catching the last train was super epic, and that was where I bumped into her and got infected by the genuine cheerfulness within her.

24 December 2011 (Saturday):

Spent a good whole 8 hours with Ali, sharing about every random little thing over our meals. It's crazy how we ate so much. The popiah from the Old Malaya Cafe, apple&cinammon crumble tart + hot choc from Cedele, sushi and some finger food from the Rochor tauhway stall at Thomson.

A pity the intermittent rain kinda foiled our plans a little, but it couldn't dampen our spirits.

Still, giving my thanks for the year that we shared. :*)

Like we said, it's through our words that we learn more about ourselves, about each other and about things in life.

Random photo with the boy when I got home!

Mum wanted a photo of us together and I had to use a pineapple to lure him into the same frame, and this was the most successful failed shot.

And that night I remember thinking, this was a difficult day.

The truth will set us free;

2011-12-28T23:17:00.000+08:00

Had so much to say, but all my words evaporated.

Maybe I'm taking the failure a little too hard. It's not just about losing, but the part that feels the worst, is losing to that someone who's so little in my eyes. So so indignant but I'm resigned.

"Holding anger is a poison. It eats you from inside. We think that hating is a weapon that attacks the person who harmed us. But hatred is a curved blade. And the harm we do, we do to ourselves.”
—

That's one of my favourite quotes from 'The Five People You Meet In Heaven' cause it's a spot-on. I definitely felt the tension within me and I swear I don't wish for this to happen, but I can't deny that this negativity has encroached into our relationship. Because of the association, and because I'm holding on to an obscured truth, I'm slowly starting to doubt everything related to you. Just kinda think I was your easy way out to pass time and an easy solution to your questions.

(And no, I don't buy the whole nonsense on how it's ok for people to make use of each other just because everyone does it. Two wrongs certainly don't make a right.)

Anyway, I really just want to back out of all socialising situations for the next few days. Meeting 4 - 5 groups of friends within the next three days and it stirs a little anxiety in me just thinking about it. I want to just be alone for now. In all honesty, I sincerely enjoy the company of every single one of my friends. We joke and I laugh when we meet, but I could do without those fleeting moments of happiness. I don't want to be superficially happy cause those nice people surely deserve a better me.

p.s. Reactivated my formspring after the longest deliberation cause I decided that if there's anything that anyone wants to know, and you can't ask me straight for some reason, please just do it there and not through a third party. Linked it up on the right column of this page.

And yesterday I dug out a post I wrote last year, reflecting on my year 2010. Will be posting it soon, together with my reflections for this year.

****

Dear you, I don't wish to say this to you in person, cause it might create unnecessary awkwardness.

Do you know, in every single one of our conversations, you never fail to mention this other person we know. I honestly do not mind but sometimes you do put me in a position where I really do not know how to reply your msgs. I constantly find the need to cook up a relevant reply and it's so forced. Just want to say that, this is really not a big issue at all. I understand the mechanics of the heart; feelings often translate into actions. But I admit I do get a bit speechless sometimes, especially when you give priority to that person, since in your own words 'you guys just knew each other' and 'we're (supposedly) tight'.

:( k super guilty for this rant. :(( I'm out of here.

sigh, that reminds me. 'Tight' is one of the most loosely used word these days.

****

For someone who lives in perpetual denial,

I guess that's why the truth sets me free.

A little bit closer to it tonight,

so it finally sank in more.

Just need that one word from you,

and I'll be over it,

in that one instant.

The wedge between us;

2011-12-27T02:24:00.005+08:00

It wasn't even meant to be like this. Supposed to just have been a day of mindless fun with the gang but so much feelings ran through my heart and mind cause of the many unexpected little things.

So tired that the moment I got home, I just placed down my bag and sat down on the bed to read the xmas cards received today. I went through each and every word so slowly and carefully, just in case I missed out anything. Especially the first card, I was reading words that I never thought would come from you. Really touched to see the words 'Love your personality', cause it means so so much when someone can still appreciate the goodness in you and not doubt you as a person, despite having fallen out with you before. For that, I know you were really genuine and thanks in advance for the greater things ahead that you are willing to share with me. Like you said, 'New year, new start'. I'm looking forward to that. :) And thanks cailing for the other card. Sometimes, you can't explain why or how people get closer. Something clicks and you just find yourself being able to share about a lot of stuff. Really appreciate knowing that you're willing to be my listening ear whenever I need it. :)

There is no doubt on my appreciation for both friends, but honestly felt an inexplicable void in me while reading both cards. The easy explanation out is that I was really tired. The more complicated explanation is that, when you try to fill a void created by another, it just feels emptier at the end of it.

Anyway, super heartened to see the new couple amongst us. :*) when you see a good girl being taken care of by a dependable guy, there's just this sweet sense of comfort. Hope to see more of such soon!

And I had a couple of really brief encounters with her today. Just very short moments but I can totally understand why she is so well-liked. I've mentioned about her before in this little space of mine, and the last time I mentioned about how I admired the way she steers clear of unneccessary entanglements with guys, despite being in the position she is. I like it when girls are independent in emotional matters. Today, my new revelation about her is her optimism and it's so nice to experience it myself. She just always seem like the girl who's gets happy easily, and I really like it. To top it off, she's so genuine. I really wish I could get to know her better because she would exert the kind of positive influence I need. She's my inspiration and I'm gonna use her as a goal whenever I'm in doubt.

And you know what, I would give my 200% worth of support if she was the one you were after, cause this is the kind of girl you should be going for. But you just had to be close to Ms. P (P for pretentious), which is a pity. I just hope someone much better pops by soon, and you'll be capable of a wiser decision.

Lastly, I'm one of the least oblivious person around when it comes to detecting people's intentions. Maybe it's cause I tend to think a lot, so I have the knack for piecing together pieces. (Or maybe it's cause I do very much the same kind of stuff if placed in the same position) Coupled with a very strong sense of intuition and gut feel, I end up being right about my thinking most of the time. So for instance, she didn't do too well for the semester, and you ask me for my funniest joke, I really wouldn't think the joke was for yourself. haha trust me, I know who it was for and I find it funny cause I had it in me. Too many other instances (like twitter access), and I just never said it, but I realised everything. I would share all of these with you, but it's got to wait. But sometimes, there really isn't much good in being so perceptive in such matters. It's a useless gift to have.

****

The past few weeks were unintentional (or maybe you could say it was intentional), but thank you. Thank you for putting me through those days. They definitely prepared me for what's to come and I know it cause I felt close to nothing tonight.

It's now;

2011-12-25T20:32:00.001+08:00

Just Love me when you can,

I'll be waiting patiently.

p.s. Thanks ali for the above song, it's really pretty.

It's Christmas today. If there's love in you, share it.

This season, it's you;

2011-12-25T04:06:00.001+08:00

Merry Christmas to every single person.

This Christmas, I just wanna be entitled to some heartfelt words.

****

22 December 2011 (Thursday):

Day of our annual family Christmas dinner.

For this festive season, sis gave me and the little boy matching yellow ribbons.
Had it tied around my wrist while his was on his collar.

It's so so hard to ever take a proper photo with Oscar. End up having to resort to using his food and I don't know why he looks so tiny next to me! He's so cute in both photos but the one on the left is super manja cause he actually stretched out his paw :*)

The Christmas tree that goes up every year;

This year, was tasked to prepare the ham platter. :) easy job cause I just had to arrange the various hams in any way that I wanted. And prepared my self-claimed forte - the potato salad haha nothing challenging at all.

Had a lovely feast this year cause we had some food from the caterer and some from Marche. Had my soul sold to the rosti and I pretty much like the rendang too. The pizza was surprisingly decent and I have no words to describe the caesar salad. It's so good, I'm willing to give up everything else and just have the salad. But I have no idea why it never taste anywhere as heavenly whenever I order it at Marche itself. It's only good when my aunt tosses it herself and brings it over.

So super thankful to my Uncle and Aunt for all the Marche goodies :*)

Ate to heart's content, literally.

And I just think mum looks very pretty here.

Always end up with at least two log cakes a year cause the bro will never fail to buy the ice cream log cake from Swensens, in addition to the one from the caterer. :) but honestly not a fan of ice cream cakes at all. In any case, super appreciate mum's efforts in organising the dinner every year. Come to think of it, I'm thankful we've been celebrating Christmas every year for as long as I can remember. It's a season of giving, and it's more than just the presents, but passing on our love as well.

****

23 December 2011 (Friday):

Daddy's birthday cake, courtesy of Canele, along with six of their macaroons.

This year, my wish for the dad is good health, in terms of a healthy body and a healthy mind. A healthy mind just means one that is free from unnecessary worries, burden, troubles and fatigue. And very glad to realise that the dad has been more relaxed with me. Guess I've done certain things right to show that I really am able to fulfil my responsibilities.

In any case, there is no greater wish than the one where dad will lead a life that serves himself and the family well. May we continue to be the blessed family that we are.

Take Me Away;

2011-12-23T17:33:00.000+08:00

Dressed for the festive season.

Scoured through the racks of two different branches yesterday before I found the very thing you wanted. Really willing to spend the time and effort on you for all the faith and trust you have in me. Like I said, I'm thankful for whatever it is that you saw and liked in me, that brought and kept you in my life.

Oh, and it's Happy birthday to the dad today. :)

****

This time what I want is you
There is no one else
who can take your place
This time you burn me with your eyes
You see past all the lies
You take it all away.

As long as we know it;

2011-12-23T11:36:00.003+08:00

21 December 2011 (Wednesday):

Settled in different universitites but we have been trying to meet up every couple of months for the past year, and I think we're doing a good job at it. :) Can't help but wonder if I'm missing out on a lot of stuff being in NUS. Cause every single time we talk, I just like the experiences she's gaining out of her time at SMU. Guess I'll find out more for myself next semester.

Anw A just came back from her cip trip to India. It's so true that the people you hang out with really make all the difference. So glad that she was lucky to have completed this trip with a team of "very amazing people", in her own words. She was sharing about how the guys were really strong physically and mentally. One guy, especially, had his energy level at 100%, 100% of the time. I don't know how these people do it, but mental strength is definitely an asset.

This photo doesn't do justice at all at all, but she's really growing to be prettier and sweeter each time we meet. Made me realise that a lot of my girl friends are actually really sweet, pretty or cute. So to all the guy friends who think there are no benefits being my friend, cause I (supposedly) have no girl friends, you just haven't seen them! hahah

****

Finally caught up with Zac for dinner after a whole semester and I was right. The second we met, we got into our usual banter. I said to turn right to get to The Central, and he said: "What makes you think the ramen place is at The Central?" Turns out it was at The Central anyway! haha but that's how we are, so dead comfortable even if we haven't managed to talk much at all over the semester. And I'm so glad we're still this way.

Had ramen at Marutama cause he says it's really good and it wasn't bad at all. Had the most funny exchange of stories over the next couple of hours but the kind of advice he gives me, I'm probably dismissing them all. So lousy! Walked over to one of the pubs along Clarke Quay for a drink. Had a Cinderella mocktail from Le Noir on the house from him. I must say, though he always make me out to be a noob in some stuff, appreciate the times he instills my self-worth.

Honestly, it's so good having friends like this. While on the plane to Taiwan, the guy sitting next to me asked if I believe guys and girls can just be platonic friends. I said yes, without the slightest bit of hesitation. Cause all my guy friends are platonic to a T, and it's nice that way when you can count on them to be there for you as a friend, no obligations, no attraction, no nothing - just genuine friendship. And sometimes, as guys, they give me the best perspectives as well, without all the over-sensitivity, jealousy or drama.

Anyway, received the 4th xmas card for the season, but it's "blank".

haha sometimes, he can be so dumb. The message got printed on the back on the card, upside down, instead. But super appreciate the effort for making the card. :)

And I'm almost done writing all my christmas cards for this year.

****

Just felt like being back in dance yesterday. I wanna be back to learning a proper choreography and then repeat it over again and again. It's true that dance is really one of the best ways to distract the mind from all the thoughts. Once you're in it, there's really no way to be thinking about anything else, and that's what I need. Come to think of it, I haven't been anywhere close to being that focused in a long long time. If only ccas were still mandatory. Rather be treading on the line of burning out, than to have spare time which ends up wasted and so purposeless.

I'm so ill-disciplined.

Strung apart;

2011-12-22T01:46:00.000+08:00

I'm really so bad at making decisions sometimes. Consumed by my own guilt right now cause I've just availed myself for one at the expense of another. What kind of friend does that, you tell me. :( sometimes I think I'm so apathetic towards others, only because I don't like others to control me. Do not do unto others what you don't want others do unto you - the exact phrase that I live by. And so, it's double the prick of conscience when I feel like I've failed to do the right things for others. Sigh.

-

And sometimes, the thing about you that bugs me is after a while, I don't know if I'm justified for expecting what I do out from you or I'm just expecting too much. You definitely make it feel like the latter and I hence concede defeat cause you can't make someone do what he's not willing to. I know it's completely unintentional, but you feed my inferiority complex. Somehow, you have your way of magnifying my inadequacy, bringing it to my full attention, having me accept it and then you probably don't know this, but it lives with me.

If that's not upsetting enough, I just had to know that that someone is a notch above me.

So so lacking...
Really am never good enough.

As if we really knew;

2011-12-21T23:29:00.000+08:00

Comparison kills.

But still extremely unimpressed cause you're really only as good as what your heart is made out of. For now, you're pretty much just pretentious and uncouth in my opinion. A girl's gotta be what a girl should be.

So bitter, but I had a good day. X

Giving thanks;

2011-12-21T00:49:00.001+08:00

Guess it's cause I'm really pessimistic and I have so much self doubt at times, that I hardly ever take anything that comes into my way for granted. No idea why I always think I don't deserve anything and that's why I always treasure the good stuff and people that happen in my life. In any case, third sem down and I still am very thankful for where I am and what I'm doing.

Looking back at each semester, there were quite a few people who have played a really special part in my life. It's not so much of what they have done for me, but just their presence speaks volume cause it feels like I never had to go through anything alone. This sem itself has been a ride, but a really worthwhile one.

And just want to share some bits of the love I received today. I have to share this one cause it speaks my heart. I don't always talk about how much I appreciate each and everyone of you, but if you're someone that I really hold dear to, I think you would know who you are. Here goes:

"You must know that no matter what happens, what we have now is genuine."

Thinking back always makes me feel so nolstagic cause I don't know how in the world did I deserve these gems in my life within such a short span of time in uni.

-

To you, you are one of the bestest nicest friend and nothing changes what we had. I don't know how much better things can get between us, but I know it can't get any worse, so I'm determined to make things work again. It'll probably never be like before, but I just want you to know that fond memories stay and thinking of what used to be does upset me, even till today.

To you, tell me we've drifted apart one more time and I'll knock your head. You, of all people, should know very well that our friendship is not defined by how much or how little we talk. Cause even if we disappear from each others' lives for months, we're as good as new the moment we meet up and talk. And that happens because we built our friendship on trust and support, and that hasn't changed a single bit. In any case, super comforted to have received your message today. Thank you for being happy for me. I'm sincerely touched and more importantly, it warms me because the moment I saw those words, I just felt like we're back to those silly days and I like it that way.

There are many more but I'm just struck more deeply by these two people for today.

****

Humbled by you; because of all the unknowns you've thrown me into.

It's true;

2011-12-20T01:42:00.002+08:00

“You can’t fight for a place in someones life,
because no matter how hard u try too keep your place,
they’ll put u where they want to”

Taiwan: Day 4 & 5

2011-12-20T01:06:00.002+08:00

After a week of discomfort in Taiwan,

today felt like a huge relief.

Laughed a whole week's worth of laughter today and I felt like myself again.

Caught 50/50 today and the plot was pretty weak but the humour was good.

Bestest part of the day was playing pool after the movie.

Super indignant that I'm not that bad at all for a beginner

cause I'm competitive like that hahah.

I need a pool table at home now so I can play as much as I want FOC.

14 December 2011 (Wednesday):

Booked a cab to bring us to this scenic tourist attraction to spend the afternoon.

The air was really fresh, and I liked the greenery and architecture.

But I got a little bored after a while cause everything became synonymous.

Spent at least an hour in one of the cafes cause the tummy was just so uncomfortable.

Definitely a good time away from the usual hustle and bustle of town.

If only I wasn't in such a nua state.

15 December 2011 (Thursday):

Checked out early in the morning to make our way back at Taipei.

Looking super cui cause still plagued by the extreme discomfort from the bloatedness.

Took the train back to Taipei and kinda just slept through the whole journey.

Went to one of the major bookshops and this was definitely the highlight of my trip.

Just felt so good browsing through the books and every penny spent was so worth it.

Currently reading this book now:

Just a few pages into it and I'm liking it already.

Very interesting read on justice, law and philosophy.

The author's a professor at Harvard and his course on 'Justice' is subscribed by thousands of students each year. Right now, I'm reading on whether market gouging (charging exorbitant prices in times of catastrophe to capitalise on the victims' desperation) is justifiable.

Took a breather in the cafe within the bookshop.

Willingly splurged on their food cause I was just soaking in the ambience.

Paid $9 just for the drink and another $6 for the little cake.

But nothing stops you when you're in the best mood.

More night market after that but barely ate cause couldn't stomach a thing.

Had to buy medicine from their pharmacy but it didn't work at all.

Retreated to our hotel for an early night.

Had a really big room and bed but the service was so bad,

I swear their staff have split personality.

Had to change room in the end cause the wifi was too poor.

And up till day 5, I was still trying to get used to the cold.

Taiwan: Day 3

2011-12-19T00:28:00.000+08:00

Season greetings came early this year! <3

Finally met up with Ali again today! :)

She was just saying how we've only met up once even though half the hols has past.

Town was mad crowded but definitely feeling the festive buzz.

Had the mandatory Taka popiah for lunch -

Ali's fave favourite favouritest heh.

Shared some frozen yogurt too from Sour Sally

and spent quite some time sharing about our trips

& just everything else.

Love that we can both walk non-stop

and have enough random things to talk about.

Our last stop for the day was grocery shopping at Ion

and we do it the Mafia style:

;)

This is what I call quality time. :)

Looking forward to catching her around again next week!

13 December 2011 (Tuesday):

The surroundings of our daily breakfast place in Taichung;

We're just amazed at how the boy who takes our orders

can be so cheerful every single morning.

Pretty much like their burgers cause there are so so many choices.

The breakfast joint is tied up with our accomodation

so we usually only have to top up a dollar for any burger.

Cabbed down to this KTV place.

Somehow find their cab fares very affordable.

But it could just be that in foreign grounds, most stuff just seem cheap

even if they cost the very same in Singapore.

Paid about $16 per person for a 4 hour session + buffet

and this is already considered expensive in Taiwan.

Spent most of my time eating and I ate so much,

this practically marked the end of my eating spree in Taiwan.

Got so bloated from this day onwards that I just lost most of my appetite.

Such a bad move cause the food was so so only,

but I just liked one of the item alot.

Headed off to the night market again.

Sis with her favourite smelly tofu.

Donated some money for some animal organisation.

But honestly, why would you dress up a dog and use him to parade on the street

to advocate against animal cruelty?

Found a quaint little cosy corner to hide from the rain and rest.

I really like how the place is so bright and clean and spacious.

Spent the next hour plus here before heading off for some last bits of shopping.

I get so tired every night, I crash straight after showering.

Don't think I even watched TV for a single night,

cause it's always at least 1am by the time we head back.

****

We have the truth,

and that will keep us going.

Taiwan: Day 1 & 2

2011-12-17T23:30:00.000+08:00

11 December 2011 (Sunday):

Arrived in Taiwan feeling extremely cold.

Was already almost 11pm by the time we checked into our hotel,

so just headed nearby with the sis to grab some food.

Brought all the food back to the hotel to munch,

cause it was really too cold for me to stay outdoors. :(

12 December 2011 (Monday):

Had a relatively cheap accomodation for the night,

since we were checking out the next morning.

Budget hotel, budget breakfast.

But they had really accomodating service staff,

and the room was big and located in city centre,

so no complaints.

Headed off with the sis to tour Taipei.

The best part about free & easy is moving at your own pace.

Their train can be quite packed too,

but I like that it's so quiet.

People speak softly.

And noone sits on the priority seats,

unless they really need it.

Went to visit one of the temples

and made some prayers.

On our way to one of the night markets near a University.

They have really nice ceramic tiles with the students' paintings on their walls.

Food is so cheap in Taiwan, almost everything is below $2.

Ate so much before taking a really long walk to Chiang Kai Shek Memorial Hall.

Love that the place was so spacious and there were lots of greenery.

Blessed with a clear sky too, and no crowd at all.

Got a postcard from the souvenir store within the compound

and wrote a short note to the parents :)

Postage is really really cheap.

Definitely liked the time we spent strolling around that afternoon.

Had some time to spare before meeting up with C in the evening,

so we spent the time on massage hahah.

And then it was another train down towards Taichung.

This time, we had a better accomodation.

It was like a studio apartment and security's pretty tight.

Went out with a big coat in the end cause the cold was a little hard to bear.

Spent our night nomming away in the nearby night market.

The food's so good, we kinda gave up on shopping and just ate our night through.

Super recommend the sausage and milk. <3

(Though the thought of milk makes me wanna puke, even till today ):

More about that another time.)

I get it;

2011-12-14T23:26:00.000+08:00

My curiosity just got the better of me, again.

:(

Don't know why I keep checking out things that I'd rather not know.

Anyway, super in discomfort today. Just want to curl up in bed now and slip into slumberland. I really really really want to be back and warm and near.

****

Sadly, absence makes the heart wander.

Seeing too many of such cases these days.

The things I would do;

2011-12-14T02:05:00.000+08:00

The cold still gets to me at times.

Been wearing my leather gloves a lot.

But it's so so much better today.

Finally don't need my gloves at all and I love it much more like that.

Super stuffed.

The food's too good and so so cheap.

And I really like the people here way lots.

They are extremely friendly and their patience is remarkable.

****

It shouldn't even be this hard, don't you think?

Dead cold;

2011-12-12T00:19:00.000+08:00

So so freezing cold. I totally underestimated the weather and overestimated myself.

The gloves are gonna come in super handy and right now, I just want to snuggle under the covers all night.

Looking forward to the sun tomorrow morning and I'm loving all the friendly people here.

Touched down in Taipei.

2011-12-11T20:34:00.002+08:00

10 December 2011 (Saturday):

Went for acupuncture again and cupping.

"Cupping with glass has a few techniques as well. One of these is to place a drop or two

of alcohol in the glass, swirl it around to coat the interior of the cup,

then light it on fire and place over the area to be cupped."

I could hear the doc lighting up the cups before placing them on my skin.

It didn't really hurt though some did feel quite hot.

The aftermath:

Anyway, I think I'm quite a masochist,

that's why I never am that scared of pain.

In fact I liked it when she was moving the cups across my back.

Because of the flame, it creates a suction and tugs at the skin quite tightly.

****

Started watching 'The People's Court' again on youtube. It's real cases fought out in the civil court. I like Judge Milian cause she's so brash but analytical and sensible. It's hard to fault her sometimes even when she comes across as obnoxious.

****

The kind of decisions I make at times, are really so so lousy.

And that happens because I don't want to go against what's expected of me and then have to explain for myself. This was a huge, regrettable decision on my part but I'm just convincing myself that we can't rush things.

Putting this on hold is like dangling a treat in front of me and just as I'm about to reach out, I get pulled back and turned in another direction. Such a sigh-worthy moment.

Left behind;

2011-12-11T12:34:00.000+08:00

Showered and ready to brave the winds in Taiwan.

Leaving home in an hour's time and I'm still waiting.

It's a wait for never.

***

Gonna miss the little boy while I'm there.

He's still a huge bundle of joy and I love him to bits.

Truly appreciate all the well wishes of safe trip and have fun,

especially when they come so unexpectedly.

You're missed;

2011-12-10T22:55:00.000+08:00

You know that feeling of feeling someone else's pain as though it's your very own?
And then I wonder why is it that I'm able to empathise with the situation so much.

Flying off tomorrow.
I just got "cursed" what if I dont make it back. I'll spill the beans about everything if I could anticipate that. But touch wood, it's gonna be a safe trip there and back.

We could paint this town red;

2011-12-10T16:41:00.002+08:00

9 December 2011 (Friday):

Have been sleeping pretty well these days,

woke up at 630 in the morning and felt rested.

Had to run some errands.

Quite bummed to be flying off this weekend,

cause there are so many things that I need to do.

Finally dined at Wild Honey with the royalty.

Sounds so insane to be having breakfast meals for dinner,

but I really really love breakfasts.

So many stuff on the menu that I would go back for.

Wanna check out Rider's Cafe next for their brunch menu.

Oh, I need to rave about the A&F models.

They have crazily defined bods.

The last time I saw anything close, it was in the movie 300.

Seeing the real thing upclose is just, out of the world.

Totally a lucky day to be in Town haha.

Had a really nice sharing session over dinner and dessert.

I love hearing other people share

and I definitely had a good laugh last night.

I think I can never be like those girls in the stories,

so so brave in expressing their feelings.

I'm not such a risk taker and last night just seems to reinforce my belief that

it is so not worth the risk sometimes.

In any case, thanks for the great company last night.

I am like the most dormant person around,

so my most ideal way of spending time is really to just sit down and talk,

which we did.

Probably gonna be a while before we next meet,

I'm waiting to see the korean A&F wannabe by next sem hahah.

****

To reach for another is to risk involvement, to expose your feelings is to expose your true self, to love is to risk not to be loved in return.

Catching up;

2011-12-08T20:03:00.001+08:00

7 December 2011 (Wednesday):

Korean bbq buffet dinner with The Boss group. I love beef and I loved their beef. They have a really nice drink too, kinda like very sweet barley. And what's especially lovely is their staff who changed the foil for our teppanyaki plate regularly, so the char doesn't get to the meat and the hot plate is tilted so all the excess oil drips into a little tin. We definitely ate our money's worth!

Found a relatively quiet hideout after dinner and I'm surprised noone goes there. I forgot what's that term we learnt in bsp1005, but it refers to the higher satisfaction derived when lesser people are consuming a particular good. That's the very term to describe this place. I hate crowd so it was perfect when we had almost the entire place to ourselves. All in all, definitely an enjoyable, laidback night with the guys. They are exactly the kind of Type A people I was talking about and so thankful for the kindness. The dinner treat was unexpected but wholly appreciated. :*)

****

8 December 2011 (Thursday):

My natural body clock wakes me up by 7am latest these days.
And I end up having so much time in the morning.

Left home early for my acupuncture session. It was so boring, I wanted to doze off.
Had wanted to do cupping but the doc told me to wait a few days first
since it would leave those dark round marks, that would last a week at least.
Not that I would mind at all. Probably have to make another trip down on Sun before I fly.

10 needles in for the acupuncture, but only one was painful.
I never understood how the medicated plasters work. Do they?

Headed down to Maxwell after the acupuncture for Lao Ban tauhuey.

Joined the queue even before the shop opened,

but still ended up waiting at least 40 minutes before my turn.

That's the super friendly guy who served me.

Bought 12 tubs for the family,

and that's 19 bucks damage done.

Honestly, the tau huey's good only for the first few mouths.

After that, I'm done for good.

Spent the afternoon accompanying the girl for some winter shopping.

She's going Canada and the temperature there is crazily low.

I just hope she survives heh.

I'm so so tired now, I wish I could just crash.

But gotta settle a few stuff by tonight.

I need to be productive.

****
And after all these while, I still find it hard to get used to your tempo.

You're never too fast, just too slow at times.

Found a little something in you;

2011-12-06T23:16:00.003+08:00

It's dependency.

Because of that, I've ceased to be a fully functional entity.

You keep my sanity,
but you're the cause of chaos within me at the very same time.

One day,
we'll learn to speak the same lie.
Or maybe we've already been doing it all along.

-
Stuck in this loop of dependency and playing the guessing game.
Unfortunately, we've unknowingly obscured the jokes from the not.
I honestly can't tell whether you're being serious and it's making me feel so so helpless.

I'm tired. Don't read too much into what I say or do.

Spin and twirl!

2011-12-05T20:11:00.000+08:00

Took a stroll at Seng Kang park early yesterday morning,

then headed to town for the afternoon.

Absolutely loving the freedom and liberty of time now.

****

I really miss those days of dance where we just push ourselves at every prac.

I miss Saturday practices, where we ran 2km for warmup,

followed by 1 hour plus of conditioning.

We just played the music in the background and did our planks,

crunches, obliques, stretches non-stop.

And after that, then we start dance prac proper for the next 2 hours at least.

Found some random photos of those days with the dancers;

the girls from RG dance, all the way to RJ;

acting as 'guai kias' in the canteen one day hehe

Raffles Take 5 performance -

Super duper windy cause it's at pasir ris park :)

Everything always look good on retrospect.

I definitely am thankful for all the years in dance, never will regret.

Off for some workout now!

I'm a number 9.

2011-12-04T12:12:00.000+08:00

For the fun of it!

If you were born on the:
1st, 10th, 19th, 28th of any month you are number 1.
2nd, 11th, 20th, 29th of any month then you are number 2.
3rd, 12th, 21st, 30th of any month then you are number 3.
4th, 13th, 22nd, 31st of any month then you are Number 4.
5th, 14th, 23rd of any month then you are number 5.
6th, 15th, 24th of any month then you are number 6.
7th, 16th, 25th of any month then you are number 7.
8th, 17th, 26th of any month then you are number 8.
9th, 18th, 27th of any month then you are number 9.

Number 1
You are smart, a straight talker, funny, stubborn, hardworking, honest, jealous
on a competitive basis, kind hearted, temperamental, friendly, and popular. You
always want to be on the top and most likely to be independent. You are most
likely to fall in love at a young age, but will marry once you mature! You are
likely to have problems with people who have opposite views and you are most
likely to take revenge over your enemies in a long time basis. You are a
spender, but you will have a good profession in the future. If you are guy you
will be very popular. You can go anywhere from the local shop to the heart of
the parliament because you are positive and talented in numerous areas. But in
your life you will always have some people who will work hard to bring you &
your name down. Because of your intelligence, some might hate you. You are a
pioneer, independent & original your best match is 4, 6, 8 while a good match
would be with 3, 5 and 7.

Number 2
No matter what, every one will love you because you are ruled by the Moon. You
day dream a lot, you have a very low-self esteem, you need to have a back up for
every move in your life, you are very unpredictable. You tend to change
according to time and circumstances, selfish, have a very strong sense of
musical and artistic talent and powerful verbal communication. You can be sweet
as an angel and can be ruthless when double-crossed. Some might say you have a
sixth sense. You will become a poet, writer, an artist or a businessperson. You
are not strong in love, so your relationship will be in disarray until you
settle down. If you are a girl, you will be responsible for your family. If you
are a man, you tend to get involve in fights & arguments in the family. You will
sacrifice your life for your family. You are gentle, intuitive with a broad
vision. You make a well-balanced person. Your best match is 2, 7,5, and 9 no
other people can put up with you!

Number 3
You are hardhearted and selfish most of the time. You always tend to have lots
of problems within your family in the early stages but you will be able to cope
with everything. You seem to have your way in everything. And from birth you
would always have to work hard to achieve anything you want. You always make a
point to set examples on others, especially the younger ones. Generally you are
not a cool person. It’s not easy dealing with you. A tough player you are! But
once you are comfortable with someone, it will be a lasting friendship. You
always earn respect from others. Your Ilk seems to have lots of worries and
problems but they won’t be for long. You will have brilliant kids! You love
money a bit too much so temptation will push you to try endlessly. You will look
after your family and help friends, so you will spend a life time just being
generous and kind (except for men born on the 21st). You love your freedom,
creative and ambitious, a person who brings beauty, hope & joy to this world!!!
Your best match 6 and 9. Good match 1, 3, and 5.

Number 4
You are very stubborn, very hard working but unlucky in important matters in
life, very cool and helpful. You might repel people away from you, you may cause
nuisance to others if you area man, as you gifted are with understanding other
people’s problems. If you are a girl, you excel in your studies and arts. If you
are a guy you spend most of your time with girl friends and you tend to have too
much fun with your mates & girls. Your friends will spend your time & money and
get on with their life and you will be left empty handed. So be careful! You
love to spend. Your positive side is that you are always around to help family
and friends. You always fall in love with those younger than you. You often live
with disappointments but you will take good care of your family. You need to be
careful of people who will take advantage of your kind heart (ahaks!). And
beware of your relationships too. You are radical, patient, persistent, and a
hit old-fashioned; you live with foundation & order. Your best match 1, 8. Good
match 5, 6, and 7.

Number 5
You are very popular and you can get things done only by talking. Even to your
enemies! You are business-minded and like to do things spontaneously. You will
be famous if you get involved in any business. Your friends and families will
always ask for your help, and you are the one actually with the money to help
your friends. You will have more than one relationship, but when you settle down
you tend to be selfish. You tend to go for other relationships – even if you are
married at times because of your popularity. You tend to get along easily with
anyone because the numbers is a middle number. You love freedom and changes. You
learn your life through your personal experiences. Your best match 1, 2, Good
match 6, 8.

Number 6
Ooopppss… You were born to enjoy! You don’t care about others. I mean you
always wanted to have a lifetime of enjoyment. You will excel in either
education or business management! You are talented, kind (but with only people
who you think are nice), and popular. All good things come easily to you. Your
mind and body is just made perfect for love. You are loveable by any number. But
if you are a number 6 men, you will be involved in more than a few relationships
until you get married. If you are a girl, most of you will get married/engaged
early. You are a caring person towards your family and friends. You are a person
of compassion, comfort & fairness, domestic responsibility, good judgment, and
after all you can heal this world’s wounds to make peace for everyone because
you have the great power and caring talent to take the world of love one step
further.. Your best match 7, 6, and 9. Good match 4, 5.

Number 7
You are realistic, confident, happy, and talented in education, music, art,
singing, and most importantly in acting. You also have a bad temper! You value
your family status a lot; you will be in the top rank when you reach a certain
age. If you are a guy you are popular with girls. Most of the number 7s faces
lots of problems with their married life. Only a few are happy. You have
everything in your life but with worries throughout your lifetime. You need to
get ready looking for a partner rather than waiting. If you don’t, then you
might end-up being single. You are born to contribute to everyone’s joy. Your
best match is 2. Good matches are 1, 4.

Number 8
You have a very strong personality and people will find it hard to understand
you. You are more likely to suffer in your younger years. You might be also the
one responsible to look out for your family. You often suffer all the way
through life. You will learn life in a very practical way. You are the one who
will fight for justice and may even die in the war too. You are normally very
reserved with a handful of friends and most of the time, live life alone and
always prepared to help others. However, once you settle down, (which is often
late), then your had lucks will disappear. You will face unexpected problems
such as encountering poisonous animals, and accidents. You are highly-
disciplined, persistence, and courageous, and it is your strength that will take
you to success. You are a great part of a family team. You are a fighter! Your
Best match 1, 4 and 8. Good match 5.

Number 9
You guys are the most incompatible people in the world. You are so strong,
physically and mentally. You often have big-aims. You will work hard and will
think it’s still hard to get there, even if you already have gotten there!
Normally you suffer in the early age from family problems and generally you will
have to fight in life. You are respected by others. You were however very
naughty in your childhood, and often got beaten up by your parents and had been
involved in fights and you seemed to have suffered lots of injuries. But when
you grow older you become calm and will fall into the quiet and dignified macho
type. Love is not an easy matter for you. You are however good in engineering or
banking jobs because people always trust you. Your family life is very good, but
you will always worry over your children. Your finer qualities are that you are
humanitarian, patient, very wise & compassionate. You are born to achieve
targets and serve every one equally without any prejudice. You are a role model
for everyone. Your best match 3, 5, 6, and 9. Good match 2.

Black hole;

2011-12-03T21:38:00.000+08:00

Looping the same song over and over again.

It's like the most comforting thing on this cold night,

when my tummy's churning.

Something 'bout the voice is giving me mixed feelings.

It warms me but slips me into the 'missing you' mode at the same time.

The weather's getting so cold these days,

I hope I survive the trip.

****

The kind of people that just want a piece of you, without giving anything substantive in return.
Don't wanna be a filler when you're bored.

So hopeful.

Perforated heart;

2011-12-03T00:56:00.001+08:00

31 November 2011 (Wednesday):

Been more than a month since we last met.

This semester has been really difficult cause of our timetables

but thankful for the long texts once in awhile to update each other

and the support and encouragement we give each other.

Looking at this just warms me up. :)

Tried Agantea cause Ali wanted bubtea and Gongcha's Q was too long.

Spent most of our time sharing stories before heading over to MBS.

It was a long night after that.

Bumped into so many random people that night who said hi,

surprised that quite a few were acquaintances from RJ.

& just two lines to sum the night up:

1. Saw things I'd rather had not.

(Not even if you could promise me rainbows and unicorns)

2. Truly thankful and warmed by some.

****

3 December 2011 (Friday):

I officially have much shorter hair now.

But it's ok, would have had it shorter actually.

Caught Almost Famous and it was really long and boring.

Local productions still have a long way to go.

Right now, I'm just so so full from all the bbq food.

My night would be complete if I could have the soda from lunch today.

****

What attracts someone's attention doesn't always attract their respect.

What turns someone's head doesn't always turn their heart.

Between loving me and loving yourself,

you chose yourself.

& we set fire to the rain;

2011-12-02T10:17:00.001+08:00

Ah, super guilty for missing the ag outing today, but but but
see,
I prioritised.

Time to head out!

Getting so cold these days, why doesn't it just snow?

Hello December;

2011-12-01T23:01:00.000+08:00

Goodbye hair.

Been some time since I decided to let the hair grow so long,

think the last time was in J1.

I like the way my hairdresser could talk to me throughout the 2 hours.

He is so so patient and super friendly, though he said I stressed him quite a bit.

****

Thinking too much,

but I just wanna know.

Two winks;

2011-12-01T12:58:00.002+08:00

Super sluggish to the max right now. Last night was good fun, but probably just in my own definition.

Talking to Y was liberation at its best. Finally someone who can understand the situation and share my sentiments. I guess it's true that we just want people who will affirm our beliefs but I have my grounds for feeling the way I do. Last night was just another point-proven occasion.

What I see and what I hear,
with my own eyes and my own ears,
aren't those enough to set my impression of you in stone?

I do have an issue with the kind of words that come from you.

Chase me;

2011-11-29T13:27:00.000+08:00

Been such a haphazard, frazzled preparation over the past few days but nothing's stopping the contentment in me right now. Probably gonna feel like crap after the paper, and kill myself wondering why I was so disorganised in my studying but what needs to be done has to be done and what shall be forgotten, will be forgotten.

& tonight, I'm gonna make sure I surf my laptop on my bed. It will be my first time since moving in.

The cutest boy ever;

2011-11-29T01:04:00.002+08:00

The poor boy has been really off tangent these days ):
Called the vet and he said to bring oscar down asap.
Been making way too many trips down to The Animal Clinic.
Gonna have to rush him down tomorrow and see what the vet says.
I do hope he can walk properly soon, without looking so contorted, and without buckling every couple of steps. Mum says he's old and I need to come to terms with that.

But when I stare into his eyes, they are still so bright and youngish as ever. <3

White Wedding;

2011-11-27T17:52:00.001+08:00

Attended a short wedding reception today

& I'm glad I decided to spend the couple of hours there.

During his speech, the groom said: "True love never runs easy."

They are lucky to have received so much support and encouragement

from their friends and loved ones.

I am deeply moved whenever I think of the sacrifice made by the groom for his bride.

Heartfelt blessings to this interracial union. :)

Was really nice meeting up with the gang again.

Some things just don't change.

The things the guys say, still make me laugh so hard.

Was in perfect comfort zone and can't wait to see them again.

On a side note, super envious of J right now.

The last time I went his place, I remember it was this 4-storey apartment,

kinda like a penthouse since the rooftop is open air,

and they had their own basement too.

Recently, he moved over to the neighbour's house,

cause his parents decided to buy it over.

Exact same floor plan, with the same 4 storeys,

except, his parents are still staying over at the original house.

Can you imagine how much freedom that entails?

I would be having weekly house parties if that was me.

Gonna crash the place after the exams!

& C's new place at Metropole too :)

Cutest street names spotted while in J's car.

(hahah he has an equally cute car)

December's coming.

This means so many of the guys are finally gonna ORD next week.

If I had waited, it would have been next week.

****

If only I could go back in time to this period,

and live all the moments after that,

all over again.

With or without you;

2011-11-26T21:10:00.000+08:00

The christmas lights at town still bring the same warm fuzzy feeling every year. Just caught a glimpse of it, and I'm gonna make sure I catch it all after the exams, closer to Christmas. Last year's christmas, I remember receiving the most unexpected gift. It was definitely one of the most understated surprise.

Wonder what christmas would be like this year.

No one said it was gonna be easy

but no one said it would be this hard either.

This cycle of dependency is obviously doing me no good.

Wake me up when this ends;

2011-11-26T14:58:00.001+08:00

It's raining again and I'm snugged under my jacket, with the air-con switched on. Trudging through my managerial accounting questions, with the most half-hearted effort. It's esp frustrating cause it's so deceptively easy and everyone's gonna get it, except me.

Sigh. Getting through this with a cup of hot choc, while listening to acoustic by sabrina.

On a brighter note, it's tomorrow. :)

****

I know exactly what you mean when you say that the power in all relationships lies with whoever cares less.

I feel you cause it's a struggle we share. But you know what, at least it's not happening between us. This friendship grew stronger precisely because we both care, a lot. Stay strong, keep faith and I'm gonna be a fixture in your life for the whole of december, I promise. <3

Just two questions;

2011-11-25T22:26:00.002+08:00

Since when and why?

A battle in which faith and reason feed upon the other. I figured out what it is about her that devours my every last bit of sanity. It's the deepset insecurity that she plants in me. I hate that she's such a reminder of what I don't and won't have. And I hate that she can be so unaffected, while I let myself be plagued by these mindless comparisons.

So indignant that in this silent mind game, she had the edge over me. Nv been more disturbed.

Anw, gonna crash earlier tonight. That's the easiest way to make the next few hours fly past.

& when I wake up,
it's gonna be a good Saturday morning.

How would I forget;

2011-11-25T00:00:00.003+08:00

Because I know you're gonna read this page sooner or later,

here's a little surprise for you.

You said my blog emo, so this is gonna be the least emo post ever.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! :)

You the most annoying, yet the funniest too.

And that's all I'm saying here, cause this is public domain afterall.

But I know your ego needs a little boosting,

so.... I'm posting the pic you sent to me FOR YOU:

Except, I don't wanna marry you please. hahah

Looking forward to the horror movie in December!

Quick chope a date before others chope me.

& you really thought I would go to bed without wishing you happy bday meh.

Gullible!

****

Super good mood today cause I finally had time in the afternoon to actually head out awhile to do my own stuff. It felt so so good and I'm gonna feel this every single day once the holidays come.

Anyway, hi sis (when you're reading this).

This is evidence that I showered before heading out today!

Don't ask me why need evidence.

It's our morse code.

MA is so tough, I have never felt dumber. ):

The story behind those closed eyes;

2011-11-23T21:50:00.000+08:00

My favourite lines are the first two lines.

Simply because being imperfect has never seem so normal.

Saw an almost exact (but prettier) replica of this picture couple of years ago in some magazine and I thought it was so lovely. Finally stumbled upon it again somehow, but this guy looks quite stumpy for some reason.

****

One last paper to go.

Glad that today's paper wasn't a killer.

Other than that, I'm not feeling the slightest bit of anything.

I worry that I might be getting quite apathetic afterall.

I need something to make me feel excited about.

Sometimes, I just feel lucky. Gone are the days I wonder why luck's so tough.

Relegated;

2011-11-22T22:08:00.000+08:00

"you say the same words over and over again. i could construct whole conversations that would take place between us.

wanting to excise myself from your life is but a matter of mentality. in reality, i already am excised, save for my persistent emotional attachment."

very nicely written, right to each pause and punctuation.
Almost as though it's conveying the exact words off anyone's mind.

****
There was this word that eluded me during the paper yesterday. I could very vaguely picture it in my head - it starts with a 'C' and that was about all I could managed. I'm perpetually plagued by my own incoherence these days and that's like stabbing myself in the back since I can nv quite get people who tamper with their words and meanings.

****
1 more paper down tomorrow.
It's gonna be a rat race after that.

Getting quite tired these days, sometimes I wonder what am I running on since I have been abstaining from coffee for the longest of time. Once the exams are over, I think I want to sleep.
And I want to read. I miss having a good book that can keep me absorbed every night till I fall alseep.

spot the difference.

Here's my answer;

2011-11-21T22:01:00.002+08:00

Don't ask what's wrong,
I can't even verbalise it anymore.
This should say it all.

Listen to the song here in my heart
A melody I start but can't complete
Listen to the sound from deep within
It's only beginning to find release

Listen, I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home in my own home
And I've tried and tried to say what's on mind
You should have known

Oh, now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what you made of me
I followed the voice you gave to me
But now I've gotta find my own
****

Do you even really listen to the things I say?
I don't come and go at your dispense.

Thorn in my flesh;

2011-11-21T15:03:00.000+08:00

Some things,
why wouldn't they just stay where they belong?

The blues is seeping through.
Something's getting really uncomfortable.

And if it ain't obvious enough, you're a pain.
This is gonna sound crude, but freaking stay away.
Any place, but just not here.
I reject anything or anyone remotely close to you.

Let's Imagine;

2011-11-20T22:34:00.001+08:00

Sociology finals tomorrow & I hope the brain will churn out some sense.

I can't study proper at all. I feel this huge inertia to make a purposeful effort in memorising my theories.

I think I'm just lazy. To top that up, I don't like to re-read.

I like to read new stuff, I like fresh perspectives,

I like the unorthodox.

So it's really a chore to be going through the same old things again.

Nonetheless, SC1101E has been a fulfilling module.

It made me read a lot cause I end up digressing onto the web for more articles

(and this means a lot to me, cause I wouldn't have time in the sem to read otherwise)

and I enjoy the times we disagree to agree.

I would love to have more classes with my tutor.

She has this pointblank way of provoking your thoughts

and that's exactly the kind of analytical process I want to subsume myself in.

A pity time wasn't on our side, and this is not my major either.

Honestly, I found it challenging to see everything from a sociology perspective.

But once you get it, it's a really well-weaved story.

****

Balancing my smiles along the tip of your words.

Had a conversation with the good friend the other day and I felt so bad about having to be so brutally honest with her. I could have withhold those thoughts, but I've kept it in for too long. I was torn in the situation. On one hand, I wanted to help free her by putting things into perspective. Besides, it was painfully obvious to me that something's not very right at all in the relationship. On the other hand, I wanted her to hold on, just so I don't lose hope along with her. In any case, glad she's decided on what's best for her and even more comforted to know that this friendship can tolerate such cutting exchanges of thoughts.

And by some lovely coincidence, a few friends whom I haven't had the chance to talk to for quite some time actually struck conversations with me today. All from different phases of my life, and thinking about how I missed the times I had with each one of them actually made me realise there were quite many good moments from the past. Time for some major catching up after the exams.

Stranded by your silence;

2011-11-19T17:45:00.003+08:00

It's a really unproductive day. Heart's not in my books at all.
Went out for lunch, went for a swim and I just feel like crashing now.

I don't know.

*****
Said what I shouldn't have.
but still, can we have some moderation please?

At our worst moments,
we know who are the ones we want by our side.

23:55

2011-11-19T01:45:00.003+08:00

Looking in their eyes
I see a memory,
I never realized
how happy you made me.

Mandy -

You know the feeling,

when there's so much in you,

but the words just don't come out at all.

Tonight's one of those times

I can't place a finger on what I really wanna say.

But just cause I don't say, doesn't mean I don't appreciate.

I'm the kinda person who gets happy just listening to others say my name,

let alone when you're doing more than just that.

Thank you.

Can't say this enough,

but I love Westlife.

Today, I saw it happen.

2011-11-18T22:39:00.002+08:00

The things you'll do for someone;
Sometimes it's not about how far you'll go,
But doing the littlest of things cause that's how much it matters.

Insignificant? That's just in the eyes of the beholder.
To you, to me; we know it's not.
Perceptive? Maybe not.
Maybe it's just cause I'd do the exact same if I were you.

Why is it so easy to read someone's actions towards others,
But never when it's towards you?
****

Reading week is over.
Getting a little tired but still not feeling like i'm ready.

I could have thought;

2011-11-18T01:21:00.000+08:00

If I could figure what's on that mind of yours, what else is there?

27 hours;
my ephemeral moment.

It's too late.

2011-11-18T00:45:00.001+08:00

14 months on and you decided it's time. Whatever the reason, take it back.
I've grown and I've changed.
I don't even understand what you're trying to do.
Whatever the case, it's not working.
I don't even like it the slightest bit.

****

And I've come to realise there are two groups of people I've come to know in school.
For simplicity and ambiguity, they are the 'Type A's and the 'Type B's.

'Type A's are like the old buddies. You just feel like you've known them since forever and you can be so comfortable in their presence. Everything just clicks, relationships are built on the basis of genuinity and we're just like a big family. I can only say, I can't be more glad they are all a part of my uni life.

'Type B's are the people you just want to avoid. They make you so deadly uncomfortable and just the thought of them in sight puts me off. They are exactly the kind of people that somehow loops back into your life because this little community of ours is just that interconnected. It's almost impossible to shrug them off entirely.

This is the only semester that I've come across the 'Type B's. Less than a handful in numbers, but more than enough. Thankfully, for every 'Type B' out there, there are at least 10 'Type A's to smile for.

The people I truly treasure; I don't say it all the time, but I keep it in my heart and mind so so clearly.

Undecided.

2011-11-17T01:08:00.001+08:00

Have you ever been in a situation where you actually want something only because it's good in its entirety, and not because it really fits you? It's like, you're afraid of letting it slip past, for fear you might not come across another of this kind again. So you try to convince yourself that maybe, maybe this is the right thing for you and you should perhaps, pursue it.

Then what happens if this situation is actually a physical human being?
Naive or manipulative or selfish or foresighted?

Truth is, there is always someone better out there. I don't know how that works out. But just cause it's never gonna be the same, doesn't mean it can't get any better. Chances are, it will. Cause now you know what is it that you can actually do without.

And when it really happens, would you say yes?

As of now, I still cannot understand how is it remotely possible to have feelings for someone you've decided you can let go off. There is something so melancholic in that, I don't like the thought of it.

Caught on your bait;

2011-11-14T22:57:00.000+08:00

Been spamming my webcasts the past 2 days,

and I'm trying to use webcast time to train my multi-tasking.

Sometimes I play songs together with the webcast,

sometimes I read articles while listening to the webcast.

I'll be able to juggle conversations in no time.

Mugging feels really slow moving these days, but I do see progress.

Headed out for dinner with the sis at 9pm last night.

Bad choice cause we only had fast food to choose from.

Had to settle for KFC and it was so so so bad! I hate fast food now.

With the sister.

I have no idea why she looks so well-rested,

and why we look so different.

I really need to catch up on sleep.

These days, I just concuss the very second I lie on my bed.

****

你如果很幸福
半夜的简讯我就不需回复
因为你的悲喜已经有了容身之处
我也能有
最纯粹的孤独

To you, just quit guessing.

What's meant to be, time will tell.

I cannot stand it anymore.

2011-11-13T23:36:00.000+08:00

It's almost illegal to be that cute.
I need to breathe.

Ah, I'm sold.
At least for today, you got me.

Personal issue;

2011-11-13T20:18:00.001+08:00

Though sometimes I hate Facebook for smacking news that I would rather not know right into my face, I like it for the times it keeps me in the loop on what's going on in the lives of people I care for. I noticed that so many of those couples from JC are still together - and it's been almost 2 years since I've graduated. I guess I've seen too many breakups around me, so those that last truly have my most sincere blessings, especially since I think it's really hard when couples are juggling very different priorities in life (like army and university).

Anyway, there's this super lovey dovey couple on Facebook. Actually, it's nothing much. It's just that they like to pack their wall posts to each other with terms of endearment and I'm a little uncomfortable with that. There's nothing wrong honestly. This is probably the mildest form of PDA already. But I was just thinking, what happens when they breakup one day? All these reminders of love on public domains will probably just ignite a lot of disgruntlement in them. Inevitable; but most relationships just end up ugly like that.

That said, so much fuss over nothing cause I think I just have an issue whenever I see them use the term "Honey". Strong personal dislike for that word. It makes me purse my lips and frown a little and that little voice in my head just goes: "yucks". hahah

****

Isn't she pretty or what?

There's just something about asian beauty

that draws me to them much more than any other forms.

(I know she's mixed, but she has vietnamese blood in her.)

It's all that I wanted, now I'm living without.
It must have been love, but it's over now.

Let's talk about obligations;

2011-11-12T22:18:00.001+08:00

When in doubt, just take a step back.
I tell this to myself all the time, and it's ringing in my head right now.

I'm an escapist;
most of the time, I just wanna avoid the situation.

And one of the things that I have a real problem with, is handling obligations.
I don't know how to say 'no', even if it upsets me.
Maybe because of that, I become extremely aware whenever I sense the slightest bit of obligation from others.

Sometimes, I really rather you do nothing at all.
Your obligations towards me hold me in my tracks.
I have no idea how to react, without feeding your obligations.

How, tell me how, can I demystify you and your words and your thoughts and your actions?

****

Slow moving day at mugging today.

But, it will get better. It has to.

11.11.11

2011-11-12T01:26:00.003+08:00

Yes, everyone's talking about it.

It's 11/11/11 today.

Didn't intend for this, but I spent it with some people that I really like.

(You inclusive)

Slept at 5am trying to tidy up the assignment for entrepreneurship

cause I didn't feel safe leaving it for the next morning.

At least I wasn't alone;

that made it so much easier to get through the night.

So, thank you to those who kept me awake.

Battling the fatigue definitely made my stomach churn a little.

But you know what, that's one more module done for me.

Just 17 more days and 3 more to go.

****

Met up with the girls tonight and I can't be any happier :)

I can't remember the last time the 3 of us made it together,

I just know it was quite some time ago.

Our group of 3 has expanded! Cause the girls brought their guys along hehe.

I can't describe that feeling of bliss,

to see the friends you like so much in such good hands now. :)

But I'm still gonna bug them like they're mine!

Sometimes I think jang must be so glad we're in different schools now

so I won't always manja and be so dependent on her.

I mean, who else would finish my food for me,

taste my food for me whenever I think it's spoilt,

listen to me say 'long time to see' every single week

and bear with my whines and whatnots.

No one else does all of the above for me,

and that's why I like her so so much too.

Anw, jang made a mini rainbow cake for chee's birthday :)

There was bailey frosting between the layers.

Super yumz. I ate one whole slice though I was mad full from dinner.

Dinner at Mad for Garlic was so-so.

The pizza was decent. I love rocket leaves on skinny pizzas.

Risotto was good but too filling.

And perhaps, they should really do something about their garlic.

I barely tasted it. Or at least, it didnt leave an impression on me at all.

All in all, it was a great catch-up.

Felt like we were back to the jc days,

when we talked about all the big and little things we did.

Gave the girls' one polaroid photo each before we left.

This is jang's! :)

p.s. I lost my own polaroid pic! :(

I swear I was holding onto it when I came into my room,

and the next moment, it was GONE, just like that.

I saw through you.

2011-11-08T01:36:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, I think it's the little things in life,
that sheds the most light on a person's nature.
I don't wanna say I was disappointed or shocked,
because somehow, what you did was honestly what I'd have expected out of you.
I guess if you can be the way you were,
then maybe you're not that deserving of my effort.
I can't say I didn't try.
I definitely convinced myself that you're a way better person than you really are.
This is not the first time you've failed me,
so it probably wouldn't be the last either.

All I have to say is, you've shown me what our friendship means to you.
They say, 'Why make someone your priority, when you're just an option?'
Option.
I guess I'm not up to your game,
cause never in my life have I not been a genuine friend.
If I'm quiet, don't ask me what's wrong.
I'm just keeping my safe distance from you.

****

Sudden surge in the number of readers these days,
I'm curious as to who have landed on this spot.

Turning point;

2011-11-06T22:56:00.000+08:00

With the dad yesterday!

Sis and I each took a photo with the dad

and used it as our wallpaper, just to amuse him :)

I like it when my dad's happy with his two girls.

It just makes me wanna be better,

to make up for that one little blemish in our lives.

Apart from that, I really don't see anything else that we're missing.

We are blessed indeed, and I am duly thankful.

Anw we checked out a new place, but not too keen on it.

I still miss Farrer Court sometimes.

Best location ever, and the estate's so spacious.

****

Came across as interesting read this morning, from:

http://limpehft.blogspot.com/2011/10/response-to-kim-scarbellos-letter.html?spref=fb

"Learning to speak standard English properly doesn't make you any less Singaporean. It just makes you smarter. By the same token, speaking English badly doesn't make you any more Chinese, Asian or Singaporean - it just means you're bloody stupid.

It's just like learning one more useful skill - like learning how to drive a car, how to use an iPhone, how to play the guitar, how to ski. Your brain is pretty powerful and has great capacity to learn new stuff - simply learning how to speak English better doesn't mean it would push out any existing knowledge. You don't need to delete any Chinese or Malay knowledge from your brain when you learn more English. In any case, I don't define how Chinese I am by how badly I speak English - what an utterly ludicrous concept! I define how Chinese I am by how good my command of the Chinese language is."

Pretty much agree with most of the author's view. I like how he puts it across - so sensible, it's hardly offensive.